It’s not insomnia if you aren’t hallucinating.

I’ve always had trouble getting a good night’s sleep because of my snoring. But for the past month, it’s gotten far, far worse, where I’ve been waking up about every hour for no reason. I mean, if I had to pee each time I woke up, I’d be worried (that would be fat boy diabetes), but I’m just waking up. As if my body is saying, “HI! Just waking you up for no fucking reason!”

I dick around for 5 or 10 minutes, then go back to sleep, only to wake up again in an hour. So, after all has said and done, I may have gotten three hours a night of sleep a night since this started. Mind you, these aren’t consecutive hours; they’re just three house. Do you know what this does to a person? Let me fucking tell you (in no particular order).

Any reflexes you might have thought you had, well kiss them goodbye. I normally keep a reasonable distance between myself and the vehicle in front of me when driving. I’ve doubled that in the past month. My reflexes have been sloooooooooooooowwwwwwwwwwwwww.

You know the true meaning of insomnia. Late at night on Facebook, without fail, you’ll see at least one post from your friend’s saying they have insomnia. They don’t. They just can’t sleep that night. When you can’t sleep 30 days in a row, you are on an entirely different level. I’m not even judging those folks who are complaining about their “insomnia” because I used to do the same. God, those were the days.

You fall asleep randomly and without realizing it. You know how when you are super tired and you are driving and you say to yourself, “I can shut my eyes for five seconds; I’ll be fine”. And you KNOW that’s crazy. It’s stupid and dangerous and insane, and you know that while you are thinking it. However, when you haven’t had any sort of “night’s sleep” in a month, you don’t get the luxury of thinking you can close your eyes safely for X amount of time. It just happens on its own, and its fucking terrifying. Fortunately, that has only happened twice, and only for a matter of seconds, but it’s no less scary. I now have caffeine pills in my car.

Caffeine pills aren’t all that. But they help somewhat.

Talking becomes a chore. You are so exhausted, forming simple sentences requires a lot of thought. And when that thought is finally ready to become words, those words can be so slurred, people ask if you are drunk. (Yes, this happened to me. A co-worker jokingly said it, but I sounded like I was.)

Your eyes droop. I had no idea this was going on until a co-worker pointed it out.

You lightly hallucinate. That was the moment I knew shit was going bad, when I started seeing things that weren’t there. I’m not talking about shadow people or anything like that. Mostly it’s weird things, like seeing a cup when it’s not really there. This has happened more than once; I’ll reach down for a cup to get a drink that I know is there because I see it out of the corner of my eye (we’ll just ignore that I never got a drink in the first place). It’s only when my fingers grasp at nothing do I realize that that mind was being a dick and was never really there.

My co-workers notice how fucked up I’ve been lately, and demanded I get a sleep study. Keila, my BBFF acted like I was causing a risk to her while she was on the road at the same time as me, but we all know it’s because she cares.

I got my sleep study consultation last week, now I’m just waiting for the insurance company to approve the actual study. I really don’t want for this to be a battle, but I’m prepared for a fight if need be. All I want at this point is 8 hours of blissful sleep, but I’ll settle for 6.

Film set ramblings.

Kevin, Mike, Laura, Me

Kevin, Mike, Laura, Me

I have said before and I’ll say again, I have some pretty cool friends. One of the sweetest things I’ve gained from the site I co-run is the friendship of many of the local filmmakers in my area. And if there’s one thing all low-budget filmmakers have in common, it’s the fact that they are always looking for someone to help out. Because of this, I’ve been on quite a few film sets to lend a hand. I really have zero interest in either starring in a movie or even making one, but I do like watching the process quite a bit, and being eager to help them out gets me right there in the thick of it.

For the past few months, one of my buddies has been part of an anthology project. So far I’ve been part of two of the three (?) stories, and two weeks ago I helped out on a Friday and Saturday (late night shoots, no less) with the wraparound story of the film. (On a side note, if you ever want to hear a fantastic tale about one of the days we shot in the woods, just ask. If I know you well enough, I’ll tell you. Just say, “choke me” and I’ll fill you in.)

For those that may not know, an anthology film consists of a couple stories, and the wraparound is the piece that holds them all together. For example, in Creepshow, the wraparound was the cartoon with the kid and the comic. That’s what we were to be working on two weeks ago (not the kid and the comic, but the wraparound for the movie my buddy is making). It was great because it was going to be a small set, I knew most of the people there, and it was going to be indoors the entire time. That last part was a blessing, for various reasons. The only two people I didn’t know were Brad and Laura, two actors who are the stars of the wraparound. Also on hand were Matt (who is playing two roles in this movie, interestingly enough), Kevin the director, Zig (who was only there Friday and had to leave due to an emergency called LAZINESS, just kidding, it was a real emergency), and Mike, who is a wizard and was there for wizardry and other helpful things. Oh, there were some special effects folks and two of Kevin’s friends there on Saturday too.

I’m not going to get too much what happened on set, other than I had a blast. which is interesting because according to Kevin, things were quite difficult. That’s not to say he’s right, he no doubt is, because I’m more or less there to help out. I have no idea what’s going on with the technical side of things. This is basically how I spend my time on set:

Busy checking Facebook.

I’m NOT checking Facebook. I’m…uh…doing some research for Kevin about…uh…sound or something.

When I’m not looking clueless like the above picture and/or helping out setting up the next shot, much of the time on set is spent talking with everyone else there, and that is my second favorite part of helping out these cats. Because, generally, everyone on set is a film fan (naturally) and the main discussion is generally movies or TV (or, in the case of this set, football because two of us were Redskins fans, one was a Eagles fan (boo!) and one was a Miami fan (whateves). Since ‘Skins just lost to Miami and were due to play Eagles, there naturally was some shit talking.

When we weren’t talking about football, Laura and I were dropping lines from Bob’s Burgers (which was AWESOME because not enough people watch that show) and Archer, and then the discussion got even better because we talked about Richard Matheson stories. That’s when the long hours on the set are worth it, the bullshit discussions in a room full of people where everyone has the same interests. It’s kind of like a nerd convention, but far more intimate.

Plus, with Zig gone on Saturday, I got a lot more involved than I normally do on sets. I did a lot of sound and lighting. That’s what I usually do, but I did even more of it and by the end of the shoot, I was more or less (hopefully) rolling with what Kevin wanted without having to ask him (meaning, I was getting the feel for how much light he needed and where he needed me for sound). He still…directed me, don’t get me wrong, but I was better at him directing me less. At least I hope so and it wasn’t him just giving up on me.

It was two long but fun nights, and if I’m not mistaken, Kevin’s done with shooting his part of this anthology. That’s the bittersweet moment for me because I know I won’t be on a set until his next film (assuming he’ll let me hang out) but it also means now the movie is in editing mode, so I’m closer to seeing the fruits of my labor (what little of it there was).

All in all, it was a great weekend, and it always is. Of all the sets I’ve been on, Kevin’s are my favorite. Even if the sonofabitch is a taskmaster.

Oh, one final thing! My new favorite line, “It’s okay, he has glowsticks.” I will always laugh when someone says that too me.

Thumbs up for Jesus!


Two days ago my pops and I went to the premiere of Bounty. I went for two reasons, my pops went for one.

The two reasons I went for were:

1. My buddy filmed it. Completely have to support my friends.

2. I’m in it. So you can forget reason number one. I really don’t give a shit that my buddy filmed it. I’m in it, and that’s all that matters.

My dad went for reason number two, as well.

I’m not going to get in what Bounty is about, other than it’s a faux documentary in the style of Blair Witch (minus shakey cam) + “Cops” + “Dog the Bounty Hunter”. Plus some blood and guts towards the end there. I’ll just leave it at that. Get it when it comes out. Don’t worry, I’ll let you know.

So, any who, it was a pretty damn good time. Like I said, my pops came up, but I also saw a ton of people I either haven’t seen in a while or don’t get to see as often as I’d like. There were people I expected to see there, like Joe, Zig, Anne, Kevin, the stars and crew of Bounty (many of which I’m friends with from being on the sets of Kevin’s films) and a slew of other people. But there were also people that I was either surprised to see, or was glad could come out like JP and Dan and Court (who came out on her birthday which was pretty damn cool).

(On a complete side note, I happened to park in the “No Drug Use Allowed” garage. What are the odds. 😆 )

The movie itself was a lot of fun. I really had no idea what it was about, only the basic premise (a team of bounty hunters that are being followed by a documentary crew stumble across something pretty damn dangerous) and that my house and myself were in it. I honestly had contemplated reviewing the film for the site, but then I realized when I raved about it and gave it the five stars it most definitely deserves, people might think I’m biased. I’m not, of course, and would I really be lying if “Under the Bed Fugitivie” really made that movie everything it was? I’m quite sure those that saw it would agree with me. That pimp daddy has skills, baby.

Quote of the night? Easily from my father. When talking about the movie on the way home we were discussing a scene in which a girl comes out of a bathroom naked. He said, “I liked it went the camera kept showing the boobs. It added realism to the documentary because that’s what I would have been filming.” My thoughts exactly, pops.

So when Bounty comes out, be it limited or wide release, make sure you pick up a copy. You’ll be supporting low-budget filmmakers, have a good movie in your hands and have the opportunity to see one handsome motherfucker on your TV screen. Don’t worry, I’ll give you a time stamp. You can count on that.

It’s all about the modesty.

Elvis never meant shit to me.

I think we have an extra for virgin fest if ur interested! — B. Random.

About a week ago I said B sends the best text messages, and that there’s just an other example on how she owns the competition.

Obvious virgin jokes aside, the Virgin Festival is a day of music and free shit. The line up included:

Sunday’s Roulette
The Birthday Massacre
St. Vincent
Mates of State
Holy F*ck
Lee Burridge
Taking Back Sunday
The Hold Steady
Danny Howells
The Bravery
The National
Public Enemy
Pete Tong
Girl Talk
Franz Ferdinand

Now, if I were in my early 20s, that would probably be a stellar line up, but since I’m not, there was really no one on that list I was dying to see. Except for two bands: Public Enemy and Girl Talk.

I immediately replied to B that, yes, dammit, I was interested and I asked her what the plan was. She told me that the only bands she wanted to see was Public Enemy and Girl Talk, too. Hot damn. Perfect.

So after some coordination, I met her up at her house, along with Dan and Jane (the girly who had the available ticket), we piled in B’s car and headed down to the show.

In a nutshell, Public Enemy was amazing. They only played for about an hour or so, due to the number of bands sharing that stage, but hell, it was everything I expected and more. Oddly, before the show I’ve never been much of a fan of Flavor Flav. I always felt his goofy antics took away from Chuck D’s powerful lyrics. However, after seeing them live, I now realize how important Flav is to the group, as he kept the show absolutely rolling, and one point even jumped down off the stage and paraded around the audience (he passed probably five feet in front of us). And considering Chuck D. just turned 50 (!!), that man can still bring the power (or, rather, fight it). My buddy Zig saw Public Enemy a couple months ago at the Rams Head and he said they had played for three hours! If they come to a small venue like that again around here, I’m all over it. I can’t stress enough how great their set was.

Since we had about an hour to blow before Girl Talk, B, Jane and I wandered around the fest to see the vendors and snag the free goods. I scored a Converse bag that I didn’t need and ‘won’ a misting fan that I’ll probably never use. I also made a shrinky dink key chain, that I promptly lost. B made like three keychains (I bet she still has hers) and Jane made two, but someone stole Jane’s from the table. Lame. There was also a fun exchange between B and some Shady Vendor about the price of a sticker, but dammit if I can’t remember the exact wording which sucks because it was certainly post worthy.

After wandering around a bit, we met back up with Dan (who had caught up with some friends) and proceeded to the stage for Girl Talk. If you aren’t aware (or didn’t bother clicking the link I posted for him), Girl Talk is a mashup artist that mixes Rock, Pop and HipHop. He’s not my favorite mashup artist, but he’s up there for sure. His show was full of mad energy, as not only was he completely into it, but he had brought up a bunch of people on stage to dance. It was just one big party. Oh, and a public service announcement to you kids who go to these shows: There’s a time and a place for sexy dancing. At a concert in a clusterfuck full of people is neither the time, nor the place. There were two bozos behind B and myself getting grindy, and it was pretty damn annoying (although I think at one point B was getting the brunt of it). However, B and I both managed to here this awesome conversation between the two:

“Do you have a cigarette?” says the girl.

“No,” replies the boy. “I don’t smoke.”

NICE! Not only are they all but fucking behind us, they had just met. It would have been perfect if we had heard, “So what’s your name?” Aaah, to be young and annoying again.

Eventually, right before Girl Talk ended his set, the girl blew by us super quick away from Grinding Gary. I don’t know why, but it took him a minute to realize his private dancer had left and he headed off to find her — which happened to be in our general direction. B saw this, and turned herself to talk to Jane, effectively cockblocking him. I saw what she was doing and silently laughed. It was a good move because dude was a big ‘that guy’ or, as I described him later, “straight Southern Maryland” (those who know, know), and B either stopped something ugly from happening, or saved the girl from some regret. I’m not usually for the cockblock, but this was a good move.

Soon after Girl Talk, we rolled out. We were back at B’s by 10:30, and right before I left to go home I asked B for a Fig preserves recipe that she had made and was pretty fantastic. She said, “You really want that, Stewie? You know there’s work involved, right? You have to boil the jars for 20 minutes, you have to prepare the figs, you have to…”

“Oh, fuck it. Never mind. Next time you make it, make some for me. I’ll throw some coin your way.”

I still don’t know how I feel about the fact that she completely called me on the recipe. 😆

I was home and damn near asleep by 11:30. Aside from the forever lost slinky dink, it was all that I expected and more. Oh, and the cost of this extravaganza (not including the beer purchases)?


I got at least $20 worth of fun out of it.

Now for some ghetto ass videos I shot with my phone (warning, these are tinny as hell, so adjust your speakers accordingly!).

Public Enemy (911 and Fight the Power):

Just the craziness of the Girl Talk stage:

Texting is better than talking.

I think phone texting is probably the greatest invention (or use of technology) since the cell phone came out. For someone like me, texting is awesome because you can just get what you need to know without having the irrelevant bullshit getting in the way. Also when you have friends like mine (or a sister like Joy), you sometimes get comedy gold in the form of a random text.

Joy texted me today, and while I won’t that particular text, it caused me to go through ones I had saved because it’s time to clean it out. Some of these are OLD, but they make me laugh for one reason or another. You, dear reader, are blessed because I will share the love with you.

What the fuck is this wild kingdom. Now she is picking things off him and examing his ears. Hurry up. — Joy, referring to my mother and my father when my father was in the hospital. I was on my way down, but not driving fast enough, apparently.

I wear small but XXL 4 comfort. — Earl, replying to my text on what size shirt he wore. Earl is my size. Small and Medium aren’t even options if you don’t know me. Neither is Large. For those just joining in Earl is my ex-brother-in-law.

We should totally audition for hell house! — B, watching the fantastic Hell House. This is pretty funny if you have seen the doc. B is going to be on this list a lot.

We should totally do the role playing game / occult scene. — B, 10 minutes later, still watching Hell House.

why hasn’t god gvine anyone i know the gift of speaking in tongue? i wonder if that language has ever been anaylzed for consistency. is there a dictionary? — B.

Karate kid marathon on family channel sun! — my lawyer friend. She digs the ’80s movies and shares the moments.

I got a flurry of texts when Obama was elected. Five of my favorites:

crying in a fetal postition. in between outbursts about blackberries, negroes and excessive partiesTom answering my question on how this ultra conservative we know was reacting to Obama’s swearing in. The blackberry refers to the [sarcastic quotes]blackberry drama[/sarcastic quotes] right before the election, as well as the party bills people were bitching about.

tgm just broke his tv. — Again, Tom, referring to another ultra conservative we know. I believe this was the point Obama was actually being sworn in.

i’m so glad these 8 years are over! — B, speaking for many of us.

Omg – there is an obama dildo 4 sale! — My lawyer friend, telling me something I didn’t know. This was a day or so after the election.

…for some reason your name didn’t come up. that’s what happens when u get a black prez we 4 get our 1 wht bff. — Keila claims she’s my only black friend, and she quickly forgot me when Obama was elected.

More randomness:

now i have the lost boys soundtrack running in my head. i feel like ripping off my shirt and rocking the sax — Tom. Random.

I just got home. i wish i had pizza. should we order some later? ledo’s doesn’t deliver… those fucks. — B. Random.

u can have my kahn toy. — B offering up her free Khan (from Star Trek) action figure that we were to get at the Roller Derby. I declined. I only like horror action figures. Sci fi is for nerds.

It’s cold. baron and i are cozying up to watch faster pussycat kill kill! rock it! — B. Random. Mad <3 for B for this. You always have to give props for those who dig Faster Pussycat! Kill! Kill!

clearly you dropped the ball on uncle “sex ed” duties. — B. Not random.

i went to blockbuster to get disc two of TP [Twin Peaks]. online they said they opened at 10. they lied. they open at 12. now i have to go back in an hour. i hate them. — B. Random. And I don’t know why that makes me laugh, but I do every time I read it. I don’t care if you don’t. I think it’s funny.

ur a rockstar — B. Not random and not funny. Just true. I keep all of my compliment related texts because I’m an egomaniac. I’d post more, but I get SO MANY that I have to constantly delete them to keep the good stuff.

I hope you are sanatizing. I’m very upset about this flu. — Joy. Random, making fun of the Avian Flu. Or Swine Flu. Or whateverthefuck flu flu.

I think my pretzel shop closed down. lame. i still have cheese dammit! — B. Random. There used to be a badass pretzel store near B where you could get fresh made pretzels on the cheap. This text was soon followed by:

The preztel store DID close. I hate them. — I love that B hates about as much as I do.

you gotta do it when it’s not hot. fuck mowing. — B in reply to my text bitching about mowing. I like how she gave me the advice to mow when it’s not hot. I’m convinced my friends think I’m retarded.

omg i just saw a review of Dead Snow and thought of u. it has norwegian zombies in it! — B. Random. I love how my friends see weird shit and think of me. B had also alerted me to Psycho being played while the Baltimore Symphonic Orchestra did the music live. I fucking missed that, though.

Shit. i fucked up and got on the front car of the train. agggghhhhh! — I’m laughing rewriting that. She was down in DC like the day after that big Metro train crash. That was the text I got.

i fucking hate you… — Tom, expressing his displeasure of me texting him telling him all the fun I was having with another of our friends while he was stuck at work.

Thank goodness he don’t look like you — Keila, her first response after seeing a picture of my grandnephew. That’s another blog.

U know all babies r pink when they come out. give him a couple of days b4 declaring him wht. — Keila, in response to something I sent that will probably piss off Joy. Joy reads this blog.

Banana hammock? — Hot Dolly. I told her that’s what I wear to swim. I directed her to google image search.

Saw a pic of old guy in ur swimwear. Gross! No man should wear that hideous thing!!!! — Hot Dolly, after visiting google. WTFever. That old guy doesn’t have the body of Adonis like myself.

I can’t listen to any more. Gross. — Joy’s follow up text after hanging up on me. I found an old cassette tape of her talking to her boyfriend on the phone when she was like 14 or 15. I had been giving her play by play. I’m so blogging that sometime in the future. I’m debating on actually transcribing it. It might be worth it.

Fuck u & your pork! — Zig, swearing the pork I grilled messed up his stomach. Not true.

Mom is making her a mean cake too! — Hot Dolly referring to my sister’s surprise birthday party, to which I replied: I’m sorry your mom is baking for Satan. And then Dolly was all:

she doesn’t, she’s baking a cake for ur sister. — oh Dolly, you are so young. Joy has not shown her true self to you.

Burgers-Fries-CORN! Can we use u for a Lowes run? — Zig, bribing me with corn. Oh how I love corn on the cob. We did a Lowes run.

But u dont get to see any stank ass all up in ur face. That’s no fun. — Hot Dolly in response to my pleasure that strip clubs weren’t in the plan for the bachelor party I went to. (I don’t pay for boobies, as much as I love them.)

i haven’t touched it in a few days. but i keep wanting to. — Tom in reply to me asking him if he finished a book yet. One minute later, he sent:

that’s about the book… not my cock.– Thanks for the update, Tom.

I have quite a few more (most from Joy) that I just can’t post because they are horrible. And by that I mean horribly funny, but they are way offensive and even in context it would not put Joy in a good light to those who don’t know her. I’m not about that.

B obviously owns that list because I get the most random shit from her, and her sarcastic attitude equals mine so her replies to my stupid ass texts are just as gold.

The Lesley recently verified her phone number for me, but I haven’t yet started sending insanity to her yet, but I’m quite sure she’s game because she’s fully capable of bringing the snark.

I’m suspecting those that know the players will get more out of this than those that don’t, but since I enjoyed writing it because I got to go through them again, you cats that are let down will have to wait until the next entry. Trust me, though, this shit is GOLD. There you go.