Naptown to Florida; Vacation – Day 1

By the time you read this, I’ll be home. I’m not the type of person to broadcast when I’m away from home because I’m not a fan of inviting bad guys to my house to have their way with it, knowing I’m going to be gone for a while. So, at the time of this writing, it’s 2.19.2017, 11:41pm, and I’m at a Holiday Inn Express in Fort Lauderdale, Florida, in preparation for the cruise I will be starting tomorrow. (YOU WILL HAVE TO WAIT FOR WHERE BECAUSE IT WILL BE  A SURPRISE.)

While I’m not a fan of cruises, I’m going to have a blast on this vacation because most of my favorite family members are going along. My sister (Joy); my niece and nephew, Cheyenne and Cody, the former of which hates people as much as I do; my dad and some of his friends; my  uncle Leslie and aunt Fame; and tomorrow, my cousin Christopher and his lady Kaylin will be joining us as we all join the boat like one big family. I’m very much looking forward to it.

It is now 2:32am. I had popped a few Xanax and fell asleep for a bit on these VERY comfortable beds. Shit, for a Holiday Inn Express, I’m pretty goddamn impressed with these beds. However, that insomnia thing I mentioned in the last post? Yeah. Just because I’m taking a vacation doesn’t mean that fuck is.

Anywho, all things considered, this vacation is off to a fine start. I left my house separately from the rest of the family because I live closer to Baltimore, where were flying out off, than anyone else; plus, the cars were all filled up and I couldn’t ride with them if I wanted to. So I gathered up all the various ways I could use to get the airport. After all was said and done, I got it down to about $40 round trip. Rather than  arrange with those companies, I offered up the money to a few friends, who took me upon it. And Anne got me to BWI all safe and sound, get this, at about the same time as the rest of my family. They had just gotten in line and I was able to quickly join them.

It’s way late, so I’m just going to knock this out with some bullet points on the highlights:

  • We were randomly chosen to go through the quick lanes for checkin. This means we could keep our belts and shoes on!
  • My sister scored a free beer on the plane because I made the flight attendant laugh. Still waiting on that particular thank you.
  • When I left Maryland, my suitcase had two wheels; when I arrived in Florida, it had one. I went to the Southwest counter, and they took care of the problem RIGHT THEN by giving me a new suitcase. Right. Then. I cannot speak highly enough of the customer service I got from them.
  • As mentioned, most of my family was going to be on this trip. When we saw Leslie, my uncle, for the first time, he was closing intentionally closing the elevator on us. Those who know Big Les are not surprised by this.

That’s all for now. I’ll share more later!



A spider and some carcasses.

There is a spiderweb on the back of my kitchen sink. Not on the bottom, in the cupboard, where no one would notice it. I mean, why would that be an option. It’s right there on top, below the window, going from some glass milk container I have to return to the grocery store for $3 and the bell jar that sits next to it. The spider who occupies the web is just a little guy, something that doesn’t even make much of a blip on the radar my spider fearing ass.

But I let it be. Why? Because I don’t have an ant problem anymore. Well, I do, but it’s cleaning up their tiny little carcasses.

So I texted the following to Joy, my sister, tonight:

There’s a spider that lives just behind my sink. On the top, so I can see the web. But I let it go because it eats all the ants. Either way, I’m kind of trashy.

Her reply:

The spider probably says, “There’s this fat fucker that lives in my house, but I let it go because it leaves food out that draws ants. Either way, I’m kind of trashy.”

For the record, I don’t leave food out.

My sister is cooler than yours.

Last night I got a bug up my ass to find a card that was given to me years and years ago. Because I’m obviously a woman, I’ve kept a shit-ton of letters and cards from family and girlfriends over the years. Going through the box, I surprised myself on how much shit I kept. I mean we’re talking pen-pal letters that are 25+ years old (I should scan some of those in). As I was going through them, I made a mental note to throw some away. I really don’t need to keep all of them, especially the ones from ex-girlfriends from when I was 17, although they do bring a good laugh on how stupid we are as teenagers.

Anyway, I found a letter from my sister Joy from when she was in the military. I didn’t even remember getting a letter from her (and this was the early ’90s). Shockingly, as I continued to dig through this box, I found numerous letters and cards from her. This was surprising because our family is simply not that way. Not to each other, anyway. I used to write a lot of letters to my (female) friends in college, and when I had moved out of the house (all of this before email, of course), but I don’t ever remember writing my sister. So I called her today and told her what I found.

“I wrote you letters? Why? Are you sure they are from me?”

“Yes I’m sure, Joy. I don’t know anyone else named Joy. Who else would they be from?”

“Maybe I was brainwashed. Oh…wait, were they from basic training?”

“Yeah, I only looked through a couple, but there were definitely some from basic.”

“Oh, okay. It makes sense now. Yeah, the drill sergeants forced us to write to our families so they wouldn’t be worried.”

“Every one is signed ‘♥ Joy’. Otherwise read as ‘Love, Joy’.”

“I don’t know what that was all about.”

Well I went through some tonight and she’s full of shit. While certainly some were from basic, a lot were from when she was in Germany, well after basic. I haven’t gone through them all, but here are some wonderful highlights:

July 4th, 1991 (Letter):

(Talking about someone in her platoon or whatever.)

Well anyway, she was practicing out on the firing range beside me 2 weeks ago and for a period of time she went from crying to laughing and back again. Sometimes she did both at the same time. I was scared to be near her. (She had a loaded weapon.) Anyway she’s like that guy from that movie I can’t remember the name of it…The one where he blows away his drill sergeant and then himself in the latrine. Well put it his way, I wouldn’t be surprised if she did that.

(Later on in the same letter.)

Also tell [mom] not to throw my platoon picture in some corner to get fucked up.

May 4th, 1992 (Letter):

(This is in reply to pictures I sent of her car after I totaled it.)

The pictures of the car had my heart broken, but at least you’re okay. That’s the important thing I suppose.

(Suppose? WTF!)

June 22nd, 1992 (Letter):

(She is referring to her birthday here.)

Oh, by the way, in case you were wondering. As of today, we have 1 month, 2 weeks and 5 days until you know what. Don’t fret little bro. I’ll send a list of gifts and presents which will be acceptable.

August 10th, 1993 (Letter):

Hi. How’s it going? I’m sitting here listening to Ice T. KKK Bitch to be precise. Your mother’s favorite man.

(For those in the know, my mom hated Ice T. HATED. Yeah, he was a passenger on her infamous plane.)

August 12th, 1993 (Letter):

PS – Tell everyone I said thanks for the birthday card and/or phone call I never received on my birthday. Very thoughtful of you all.

PSS – I am 24 now. I will always be older and wiser than you. You will never be able to catch up to me. Even if I’m dead my bones will still be aging. It just goes to prove…You can’t do anything you set your mind to. Hmmmmmmmmm.

September 26th, 1993 (Letter):

Oh here’s something you will be excited to hear. I bought one of those battery operated breast pumps to extract milk for the baby when I go back to work.

(Really, Joy? Really?)

December ’93 (Christmas Card):

As usual, I apologize for getting more presents than yourself. It’s not my fault I was born beautiful and great.


There is a lot of good things in these letters, but much of it is inside and is only funny to us. But, damn, I’m glad I kept them.

Oh, and since I know you are reading this Joy, not only did you end all of your letters with ‘♥ Joy’, but many of them had a “Miss you!” preceding that ♥. FYI.


Overheard in the car.

A couple weeks ago, me, my father, Joy and my niece and nephew headed up to Baltimore to have dinner with my aunt and uncle and cousins who were in town.

Some random things my niece and nephew said on the ride up:

“Mom, you make me want to kill a Mexican child.” — An exasperated Cheyenne to Joy, who would just. not. shut. up.

“Coco, if you do not shut up, I’m going to take out all of your teeth. With a butter knife.” — An exasperated Cheyenne to her brother.

“Try it Cheyenne and I will punch you in the head. With a giant nail.” — Coco’s reply.

There were more I’m forgetting, and I know I laughed over half of them. My niece and nephew rock.