Brace yourself…

…because this blog will be bitch free.

I went to IKEA Sunday with a couple friends.

Oh.

my.

God.

Yeah, yeah, the furniture is cool in all, but the women! Oh my. It’s been a good long while since I’ve seen so many good looking women in one spot. I don’t think I saw 1/4 of the displays at IKEA, but I can guarandamntee you I saw ALL of the women.

My, my, my.

I wonder if IKEA will let me live in one of their displays. I can model it for ’em.

One can hope.

Show some courtesy…

Aaaah, spring is here, the birds are chirping, the weather is nice. In the DC area, that always means one thing.

Tourist season.

Ug.

Not being a resident of DC, I have no love for the tourists because they have no idea how to be courteous to others. It’s as if they get stupid once they leave their house. Especially when it comes to the metro—and its unwritten common courtesy rules.

So, being the caring guy that I am, I decided to provide the list for those of you planning on visiting DC in the near future. You should print these out for your—and my—sake.

Metro Rules (in no particular order)

– When arriving at the Metro Station, park your car between the yellow (or white) lines. No matter what kind of car you drive, it’s not good enough to take up more than one spot. If you do take up two spots, on your return don’t be surprised to find someone has parked so close to your car you can’t open the door. I’ve seen this done and it’s hilarious. Also, if you are driving a trailer, park it somewhere else. Rent a car. Spots are hard enough to find without some idiot and their trailer taking up 4 parking spots.

– When purchasing your ticket, do not use the “Smart Trip” machine. The “Smart Trip” machine is the machine with many buttons. Those buttons will confuse you and you will not know what do to. The only thing you will succeed in doing is standing in front of me like a gump, scratching your head in confusion. Then you will turn to me for help, which I won’t give you because your dumb ass made me miss my train, which is either going to make me late for work or delay my trip home. Just use those machines without all the fancy buttons and we’ll all be happy.

-When the train arrives and the doors to the train open, stand to the side and let the people on the train exit BEFORE you attempt to board. Believe me, I will plow my way through you if you stand in my way. It’s the same concept as an elevator. All the people must exit so there is room for those entering. If you don’t follow this rule with the elevator, you are an idiot and you should just stay in your house.

-When choosing a seat on the train—particularly during rush hour—do not take up the whole seat. Or sit on the outside of the seat leaving the inside empty in the hopes that no one will call you on it. They will. You are being an ass when you pull a stunt like this and everyone knows it. Don’t pretend that you weren’t thinking; when you do shit like this we already know you’re stupid. You are being an ass and you know it, so just don’t do it.

-Don’t talk to me. I don’t give a shit where you are from. I’m wearing headphones for a reason.

-Don’t talk loud. You aren’t the only one on the train and the other people don’t care what you did today or what you are doing tomorrow.

-Don’t talk on your cell. No one gives a shit about Sally and the boys.

-If you are sitting on the outside of the seat and someone is on the inside, make sure you move your ass when they inform you that this is their stop. Don’t dick around gathering your shit. As a sitter on the outside seat, it is your responsibility to be ready to move at each and every stop.

-When you are taking an escalator either to or from your train, if you aren’t moving, STAY TO THE RIGHT. Like traffic in most places, people pass on the left. So, again (and I’m typing this one slower so you will get it), if you aren’t moving, stay to your right. Just because you are on vacation doesn’t mean the rest of the country is. I need to get to that train to get to work. Or I’m going home after a hard day of work. Either way, stay on the right, stay on the right, stay on the right. And for the love of God, when I get up your ass because you are standing on the left, don’t dare give me a dirty look, because I will call your stupid ass on it.

-Also, when exiting or entering the metro-station, do not use the widest—or handicap—entrance gate. The ticket comes out of a different spot and you will only hold everyone up looking for it.

That’s the rules.

Enjoy your stay.

And now for something completely different…

Memoir

Inebriated at 4 o’clock in the a.m.
Talking to people never known before;
dancing with strangers to the p.m. dawn
Smoking coffin nail in hand,
wandering the assemblage
of collegiates.
Ears ringing from discussions of automotive specs
to the most popular fucks in high school.
And where are they now?

I am here

I must have written that about 10 years ago or so. I was taking a creative writing class and it was an assignment to write something that happened that weekend.

Well, that was one of those weekends where everything went right and all was good. I was going through the first of the major changes in my life and the bitterness I held for the people I went to high school with was on the down slope. It was also right around the time when I was becoming truly happy with myself. Even though I met a girl that weekend that I eventually moved in with (and got destroyed by), it was good times that I look back with fondness.

I believe it’s the most honest thing I’ve ever written.

What every fat-ass does…

My whole body hurts.

I was trimming this big ass bush that surrounds my deck yesterday. I hadn’t trimmed that bush in about 2 years, so I needed to knock quite a bit off.

Part of the trimming required me to stand on the deck and lean over the rail to cut the branches of the bush that creep onto the deck and ‘tickle’ peoples feet (on the occasion I have them over).

Well.

I was leaning on the rail, hedge trimmer running, and the rail gave away.

I went over.

Luckily, I was smart enough to release the trigger of the trimmer and fling it away from me. Also, luckily, it was only about a 3 foot drop.

But it was still a three foot drop into the bush. Without a shirt.

So, naturally I did the first thing every fat-ass does when he falls–especially when he’s not wearing a shirt–I made sure nobody was looking. Again, luckily, it went site unseen.

My stomach and chest, however, was a mess. No deep wounds, but plenty of scratches.

That fucking bush is coming out this summer.

Top down, windows up…

So I’m driving home from work today, listening to some tunes, digging the weather and looking at the women.

Then I saw the convertible.

Top down.

Windows up.

What the hell is wrong with people?

What goes through the person’s head who does this?

“Damn it’s windy! I gotta put these windows up!”

HELLO! THE TOP HALF OF YOUR CAR IS DOWN!

And don’t tell me it makes a difference. I’ve been in convertible. It doesn’t.

Dumbasses.