It’s all fun and games until someone gets an eye poked out…

I have two different colored eyes.

No, it’s not a birth defect. No, I’m not a dog (although that may be debatable in a year or so). No, I don’t buy two different colored contacts. It’s because of an eye injury I received about 25 years ago.

When I was seven, two friends and I were in a backyard throwing rocks and sticks into the woods. Eventually, we started running low on “ammo” and Keith (whose parents owned said yard) ventured into the woods to get some more stuff to throw.

While he was collecting the goods, Joshua and I continued to throw rocks. And I’m fairly certain it was the general direction we saw Keith head off too. Sure enough, we soon heard a yell as my rock found its target.

“Sorry!” I yelled out. But let’s face it, I wasn’t sorry. It was funny. I hit a target I couldn’t even see. Plus, Keith wasn’t crying, so no harm, no foul.

Keith came out of the woods a short time later carrying just one stick. WTF?

“All that time and you could only find one stick?” I asked.

“Yeah. It’s for you.” He said. And he threw it at me.

I shit you not, I was probably less than four feet away from him and he threw it like a damn pitcher. Not a softball pitcher, either. And yeah, it went into my eye.

His parents rushed me home (my house was like two doors down from theirs) and my parents rushed me to the hospital. Apparently, one of the top eye doctors in the county just happened to be visiting area hospitals that day. Either he was just leaving or had just left, but was called back when I was admitted. My eye was operated on that night to try and repair the damage that was done.

I don’t know how many total operations I had, but I think it was at least three. The damage was massive – a detached retina and a collapsed cornea are two of the things I know they worked on. To this day I am legally blind in it.

So how did I end up with two different colored eyes? I have no idea.

I will say this, though…

Before the eye accident, I had two hazel eyes that changed color (this is normal). I guess, depending on my mood, they go from blue to green – usually hovering around blue.

After the accident, they still change colors, but the right either stays dark green or brown while, like I said, the left one hovers around blue.

I don’t harbor any ill-will towards Keith. Hell, he was only five or six, he didn’t know any better. Plus, I got to wear an eye patch for school for a bit, so that was pretty cool. And, as a consolation prize, I have two different colored eyes.

The moral of the story?

Don’t throw things, someone will get an eye poked out.

Boo-yah! *rimshot*

Shut the fuck up, fanboy. Part two.

Now that the “books as original source” discussion is officially closed, it’s time to talk about the second type of remake – or what I consider the only type of remake. That is movies whose original source was another movie.

Fanboys, grab a tissue because you aren’t going to like what I am about to say regarding remakes of movies whose original source was a movie…

Who. Fucking. Cares.

There seems to be a lot coming out lately, but, reality check #231422, there have ALWAYS been remakes. And there will ALWAYS be remakes.

I’m going to go ahead and start with the two most recent (popular) horror remakes. Dawn of the Dead (DotD) and The Texas Chainsaw Massacre (TCM). But I’m gonna stick with TCM for a moment.

TCM, the original, did a LOT of good for the horror genre. It was dirty, it was gritty and it introduced Leatherface; one kick ass horror icon.

When the remake word came out, oh God, the fanboys went fucking crazy!

“blah blah blah not going to see this piece of garbage!”
“blah blah blah is a classic, how could they blah blah blah…”
“blah blah blah Hooper’s masterpiece will be ruined!”


Okay, first things first, Tobe Hooper, while he has done a few movies and deserves credit where credit is due, hasn’t done anything ground breaking since TCM. So, yes, it may be his masterpiece, but what does that really mean if the rest of his stuff is so mediocre (with the exception of Lifeforce).

Whoa there, sport – I know what’s next. You are going to throw Poltergeist at me. Nope, sorry sunshine, Poltergeist was all Spielberg. All you have to do is actually watch it to know that. If you don’t agree, watch it again. If you still don’t agree, pull your head out of your ass and give it another go. Got that? Good. Moving on…

Now, back to the TCM remake. What made matters worse (supposedly) for the remake was Michael Bay was a producer! *gasp* *shock*

Michael Bay?!?

The Rock Michael Bay? Armageddon Michael Bay? Bad Boys Michael Bay?

How could it possibly be good? What does he know about horror? (Hey, he did direct Pearl Harbor *rimshot*)

Well, low and behold, when all was said and done, the remake was good. Damn good. It was dark, it was violent and you cared a helluva lot more for the characters than the original. The Hitman said it best in his review of the movie….

“At its best, it is a gritty, dirty, bloody film filled with suspense and its share of scares that is more entertaining and enjoyable than Hooper’s original.

There. It’s been said.

There is no good reason horror movie fans won’t enjoy the 2003 TCM — whether they are fans of the original or not.”

…and he was 100% correct.

The best part of the whole TCM remake fiasco was when many of the naysayers ate their words and conceded that the movie was actually pretty good. Good luck convincing them that it was better – even if some thought it was, they would never admit it. But that’s neither here nor there as it is simply a matter of taste. The bottom line is, they jumped the gun and were proven wrong.

Now for DotD.

When the remake plans were announced for DotD, it was the same reaction as TCM. And, like TCM, it ended up being a good movie that many fans liked.

DotD was a remake in name only. The only things it had in common with the original was zombies and a mall. Its only mistake (if you want to call it one) was calling it DotD. Personally, I think it was a smart movie as it drummed up free publicity. But that’s another topic for another day.

Now, there’s something that DotD did that the fan boys either chose to ignore just don’t care. I’d bet a paycheck it’s the former because they really, really do care – but I’m getting ahead of myself.

George Romero’s fourth installment in the Dead series had been on hold for what seemed like forever. He just couldn’t get investors. But after the releases of TCM and DotD, guess what? He got the money for his movie. Why don’t fanboys ever bring that up?

Kids, let’s give credit where the credit is due. Those remakes you love to hate pave the way for the original movies that you love.

Hollywood is a business and, unfortunately, they aren’t in the business of taking chances anymore. What remakes do (particularly horror) is test the water of the horror market and, if the remake turns a big enough profit, the “original” horror movies get to see the light of day.

Listen, if you are so against the idea of a remake, don’t see it. But see it or not, do everyone a favor and shut the fuck up about it, fanboys.

Shut the fuck up, fanboy…

Part one

Word on the net is Don Coscarelli has been talking about remaking his classic Phantasm movies (parts 1 – 3).

Uh oh.

Fanboys are going to be pissed.

Brace yourself.

The shit is going to hit the fan.

Now, let’s take a minute to talk about remakes.

As I see it, there are two types of remakes. And since one type doesn’t even count as a remake in the first place, I’ll tackle that one first…

A remake of a movie who’s original source was a book.

When The Shining TV mini-series was announced, fanboys all across the globe were in a rage. If you listened close enough, you could hear their cheeto cheese coated fingers punching angry diatribes on the computer.

“How could they?!?”
“Why would they mess with perfection?!?”
“Mick Garris is a hack!”
“I want to suck Kubrick’s dick! Who else do I need to suck to do that?”

And my personal favorite…

“How can they make it better than the original?!?”

Okay, first of all, fucknuts, the movie may be also known as “Stanley Kubrick’s The Shining,” but it was based on Stephen King’s book. And by based, I mean both shared characters of the same name and both took place in a hotel. That’s about it.

Reality check: The movie was not a Kubrick original.

And, as far as following the book (which is one of the main reasons King himself wanted the remake done), the miniseries far surpassed the “original.” Note the sarcastic quotes around “original.” Don’t get me wrong, I enjoyed Kubrick’s Shining quite a bit. But, as a movie based on a book, it sucks more than your mother pulling a train.

So, shut the fuck up, fanboys. Movies based on books don’t count as remakes. I don’t care if they are filmed 100 times, if the original source is a book, keep you mouth shut because when you open it, you are only showing your ignorance.

Now, prepare your tissues, boys. Here are some movies that can be remade (and I left out the obvious ones like Dracula and Frankenstein).

A Clockwork Orange
The Exorcist
One Flew Over the Cuckoo’s Nest
The Godfather

And I wish next year they relase all of those movies above as remakes with Ice Cube and Queen Latifah as the lead stars of each. Why? Because I like Ice Cube and Queen Latifah. Plus, I would think it would sound kind of cool as twelve million elitist prick fanboy’s heads all exploded at once.

Stay tuned for part two.

I’m the round eyes and round belly…

Just tooling around with a new program.

My friend turned me on to this excellent tool from google called Picassa. It makes uploading pics to the blog soooooooo much easier.

So, to test this damn thing out, here are some pics from my trip to Berlin (if you click on the pics, they get bigger)…

Me and my buddy Steve contemplating the next artistic shot. I’m the round eyes and round belly.

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