Then my brain and my body had a conversation…

So I made the annual pilgrimage to HorrorFind this past weekend, and, as usual, fun was had.

This year, instead of running around the show spending money, I helped run the Timewarp table, ran around a few times and didn't spend nearly as much money — and still had a stellar time, because half of the fun at the convention is watching people.  Helping run a booth, in the vendor's room no less, let me watch people without having to run around the convention.  

It so happened that the vendor across from our table sold action figures, one of which being a life sized Zuni doll (made famous in the Trilogy of Terror movie).  This statue/thingy was straight bad ass.  It stood about 13" high, and was to scale of the doll in the movie.  And looked just like the little fucker, too.

Eric saw me checking it out and asked if I was going to buy it.  I said, "I doubt it.  I want it, but damn that thing is freaky looking."

And that was it.  I figured I'd buy it Sunday before I left if it wasn't sold by then.

Well, after a long day of pimping Timewarp products, and the showing for their newest, Dead Hunt (which Eric penned), Eric asked if it were cool if I hung out at the table until closing, so he could lug his stuff back to the room.  I was cool with that, as I had nothing else going on, and it looked like he bought a lot of goods.

Soon enough, the show closed for the night, I headed back to the room, where Eric and I started drinking Capt. and coke, and shooting the shit.  At one point, Eric said, "What do you think is up with those pillows on our beds?"  At face value, it seems like an odd question, but I didn't think so at the time.  Each bed had four pillows, two big ones resting against the headboard, and two smaller ones in front of the big ones.

"That is odd," I said.  "Decoration, I guess."  I've stayed in one star hotels and I've stayed in five star hotels.  For a  three star hotel (or whatever that particular Marriott is, it was a bit out of place).

Eric nodded in agreement.

Soon enough, we called it a night and laid down in our respective beds.  Just as I was about to sleep, Eric says, "Did you feel those pillows?"

"Which ones?"

"The big ones.  Their pretty soft."

I reached behind me and grabbed one of the pillows.  As my hand was between the headboard and the pillow, I felt a piece of plastic, which I pulled out and placed on the floor.  Keep in mind the lights were off at this point."

"That's pretty cool, dude," I said.  "But I think they are decorative.  They have a piece of plastic holding them up."

There was a beat of silence.

"Mine don't."  Eric said.


"Nuh uh."

"What the fuck?  Mine did."  I reached over and hit the light so I could see what was behind my pillow.  Once the light was on, I leaned over to look at the floor AND SAW THE MOTHERFUCKING ZUNI FETISH DOLL STARING BACK UP AT ME.

Zuni Doll

I assure you, my fat ass wasted no time at all flinging itself to the other side of the bed.  And that bastard friend of mine just laughed.

I stayed there for a while.

"Aren't you going to look at it?"   Eric asked, still laughing.


"Why not?"

"I'm going to stay hear for a minute."

Then my brain and my body had a conversation.

"Go over and look at it, you pussy.  It's just a toy.  A mass marketed one, at that," my brain said.

"No it's not," my body replied.

"Yes it is.  Stop being a candy ass and check it out.  It's just a toy."


"Why not?"

"Because," replied my body, "if I do look over, it won't be there."

"What?  Where the hell will it be?"

"It would have rolled under the bed.  Where I can't see it."

"You pussy."

Eventually, I did roll over and look at it.  It was still there, grinning at me.  And Eric was still laughing.

I picked it up and held it.  Checking it out.  It was pretty damn cool, even if it still scared the hell out of me.

Eric gave me the box in which it came in and, after checking to make sure its chain was still intact, I boxed it up and placed it on the top shelf in the closet.  Facing the wall.

I still heard Eric laughing as I doze off.

Considering one of, if not the, funniest things that happened this past weekend was at my expense, you know it was a good time.

Eric will get his.

And for my sexist post of the day…

I was watching a rebroadcast of a scrimmage (football) tonight, and at a break it went to the studio for some sort of update.

It was a female broadcaster.

Who was pregnant.

What the fuck.

Pregnant women do not belong in the studio broadcasting sports.

Let's face it, sports are a man's pastime.  Yes, there are women who like football.  Hell, there are women who know more about football than some men.  Hell, there is no doubt that there are plenty of women who know much, much more about sports than I.  But I don't care about that, and I'm all for it.  God bless them.

But for the most part, it's a male audience, and men don't want to see pregnant women when they are watching the game.  It's damn distracting.  Is our politically correct society so pussy now that someone can't say, "You know what, you're pregnant.  And, in this particular media, with our particular audience being majority male, why don't you go out, have the kid and come back.  We'll be glad to have you."

And I'm about it going both ways.  Say you ladies higher a stripper for a bachlorette party.  And I showed up.  You don't want to see that, do you?  No.  But wait, what about equal rights?  SOMETIMES THEY SHOULD NOT APPLY!

That's right, dammit, there are times when equal rights do not apply and this is one of those times.  Like that dickhead that sued hooters because they wouldn't hire him because he was a guy.  THAT IS A TIME EQUAL RIGHTS SHOULD NOT APPLY!

Guys watch football for two reasons — the game and the cheerleaders.  We don't watch it in hopes that we get to see some pregnant lady on the sidelines or in the booth.  We want blood.  We want boobs.

And not lactating ones. 

Happy hour…

Testing yet another plug-in.
This is happy hour from last year.  Or maybe 2 years ago.
That's my friend Steve, me and my friend Matt.  I'm tempted to send this pic to Maxim and pretend I don't know Matt for that "who is that guy" article.  But I no longer read Maxim.  I'm wondering at what point in my life did the Greatest Men's Magazine Ever become not so great.

One book…

Stolen from Snooze.

1. One book that changed your life.

The Rutting Season by Brian Keene.  It didn’t quite change my life, but made me feel immortalized.  Which, to some degree, is even better.

2. One book you've read more than once.

Stephen King’s The Stand.   It is the quintessential end of the world book.

3. One book you'd want on a desert island.

Probably some survival book.  Yeah, shitty answer, but without that important Some Survival Book, I'll die within days.

4. One book that made you laugh.

Janet Evanovich’s “Stephanie Plum” series makes me laugh.  Yeah, it’s more than one book, but they are all comedic.

5. One book that made you cry.

The Girl Next Door by Jack Ketchum.  I’ve never felt so helpless reading a book.  I’d almost hand in my mancard for saying that, but if you haven’t read it, you can’t grasp the brutality. 

And the fact that it was based on a true story makes it worse.

6. One book that you wish had been written.

Richard Laymon’s next one.  And the one after that.   And the one after that.  RIP.

7. One book that you wish had never been written.

The Bible is a good one to start with.  Its various “interpretations” have caused this world more trouble than any other book.

8. One book you're currently reading.

I just started Bully by J.F. Gonzalez.

9. One book you've been meaning to read.

House of Leaves by Mark Danielewski.  I’ve picked it up three times, got halfway through, and just stopped.  I can’t understand why.  The book is good. 


I’ll tag everyone on this.  Like Snooze said, let me know if you do it.

25 years and my life is still…

About a month ago, my friend, Jafo, shot me an email seeing if I was interested in catching the O.A.R. concert.  Having never heard O.A.R., I told him sure, I'd go if he had a ticket he couldn't get rid of.

Well, last Wednesday Jafo emailed me telling me where to meet him and his brother, Russ, for the concert.

Still having never heard O.A.R., I asked another friend, Matt, if he had.

"They're a college band, they'll be lots of women there, you'll have a good time," was his reply.

Jafo emailed me and said, "They sound like Dave Matthews."

Both were right.

Well Saturday came and I met Jafo and Russ at the mall (which was literally right across the street from the venue) and we headed over to do a little drinking before the show.   Wow.  If we had just stayed in the parking lot and tailgated the entire time, I would have been happy.  Even with Jafo yelling at me and Russ, "Stop looking!  They're like 15!"  In our defense, he only yelled that once.  And, in our defense, they didn't look 15.  And we only looked.  Damn kids.

Eventually the cops ran us off because the show was starting and there would be no riff-raff in the parking lot during the show.  And, for the record, they were running everyone off.  Not just us.

The show was pretty good, and I had a drunken blast even if I didn't know any of the songs.  Jafo only knew like two or three songs himself, so at one point he did what people who don't know the song being played.  He started singing another song that had pretty much the same beat.  And, since I didn't know the song being played, but did know "New Sensation", I sang along with him.   I think Russ was getting beers at this time.

A couple songs later, I recognized the beat of another familiar song.  No, not an O.A.R. song, but a 4 non blondes one.

So I started singing the one I knew.

25 years and my life is still…
I'm trying to get up that great big hill of hope…

Jafo looked at me and started laughing.  And joined in.

Russ, who wasn't getting beers at the time, heard us.  Laughed.  And joined in.

So there we were, much to the delight of those around us, singing "What's Up".  And, of couse, you really have to get into the "And I scream from the top of my lungs WHAT'S GOING ON!" or it's all for naught.

I know the people to our left enjoyed our show, as I saw them laughing.  The 16 year olds in front of us, though, weren't too impressed.  I could tell by the dirty looks the one girl was giving us.  She was not pleased.  It's always nice when a teenager gives me a look of disgust.  Makes me feel a little warm inside.  Like I'm doing my part.

On a side–and somewhat related–note, to that girl who flirted with me in the beer line, but I didn't quite realize it until I walked away, my apologies.  Chances are even if I were sober I would have said something stupid, but at least I would have stuck around to talk to you.  I get even more dense when I'm drunk, so you caught me at a worse moment than usual.

Other than the fact that my dumb ass blew talking to a good looking woman (who, I assure you, was over 15), I had a solid time.  But that's par for the course when I hang out with Jafo and Russ.