I looked for the registered sex offender sign up sheet…

So tonight I went to the mall for a long overdue haircut. I’ve been desperately needing a haircut for a while, and I really wanted to get one before Sunday (yesterday), but it just wasn’t happening. Apparently, Andi (my haircutter/stylist/whatever the hell) decided it was in her best interest to move to another location. So instead of working less than a mile away from my home, she now works like a half hour away from me. The nerve. What about my interests, Andi? (I still haven’t forgiven her for the time she decided to lay down with a man and went out for months because of her newborn.)

Andi has apparently moved to a more upscale/trendy haircutting establishment (no, you don’t get the name, it’s horrible and yes, I understand it’s a mall, but it was pretty nice. They had coffee for you, should you want it), the price of my haircut went up. I was paying about $25 (including tip, which I do decently because she is good) when she worked at the old joint, but tonight it ran me $35 ($25 for cut, plus $10 tip). However, the price increase was completely worth it because I now get my hair washed after I get it cut. At the old place, hair washing was extra, so I would usually just shower before I went, and skip the extra duckets, but here, it’s built in into the price, so I might as well partake since I’m paying for it. Holy cow, I forgot how good it feels to have someone scrubbing down the noggin. I damn near fell asleep.

Since I had arrived 20 minutes early, I hit FYE and lucked out by not spending *any* coin. After the cut, I styled and profiled my way over to Footlocker for some shoelaces, but they didn’t have the ones I wanted, so I went to Kid’s Footlocker (and how is it I can go into a foofoo store like Bath & Body Works and buy foofoo soap with no problems — except walking out with that stupid ass foofoo bag — but the moment I stepped into Kids Footlocker I looked for the registered sex offender sign up sheet?). I went into Spencer and was saddened a little by the fact I saw NOTHING I wanted, a surefire sign I’m growing up. Ironically, though, I did buy something at the store next door…Hot Topic.

I have a love/hate relationship with Hot Topic. I hate the fact that they make their money selling vintage T-Shirts, the vintage part being shirts of TV shows I grew up with. But I love that they always have the coolest Chuks/Vans/skater shoes (and although I don’t skate, I still love the shoes) in the mall. I also love the looks I get when I walk in from both the clientelle and staff when I go in. I almost feel like they are whispering amongst themselves, “What’s the old guy doing here?” even though I’m only 36. I also love their clearance racks, because they price shit to move.

I headed straight to the back of the store, and was pleased to find a clearance on shoes. Sadly, the only Chuks they had were pink (and I don’t do pink), but I did dig up a snazzy pair of Vision Street Wear shoes, and I saw on Hot Topic’s site there are black ones on sale, too, so I may hit the mall closer to me sometime this week.

Yeah, bring on the Hot Topic hate, I deserve it.

(And no, Fnord, I don’t buy my shirts there anymore. I haven’t in years. They don’t sell Hawaiian shirts there. Those are way too colorful for that store.)

Eating cereal out of a bowl is for L7s…

I’ve been having a hankering for a cup of Sugar Smacks cereal all day today, and I made a mental note to buy some milk on the way home. As with most of my mental notes, it wasn’t written down so I promptly forgot until the moment I saw that stupid frog on the box mocking me when I got home milkless.

(And, yes, I did say “cup”. That is not a typo. Eating cereal out of a bowl is for L7s. If you use a big cup, it’s much easier to drink the sugary sweet byproduct after you finish your cereal.)

However, it turned out to be a good thing, me forgetting the milk, because I tried an odd concoction tonight that I otherwise would have never tasted.

As I was leaning on the stove going through the mail, I glanced over to my left and saw the blue and white package of Oreos. Being three minutes since the Smacks’ Frog’s teasing grin, I had already forgotten that I had no milk and grabbed a couple of the delicious cookies. Immediately after biting into one, I realized my error. Oreos need milk as much as cereal does.

With my mouth already drying out from the cookie’s power of saliva drain, I opened the fridge to see if there was any salvation.

Dr. Jones Cane Cola? Nope, that wouldn’t do.

Superfresh brand Black Cherry soda? Nope, that’s flat. I should have taken that out days ago (still in there, by the way).

Mello Yello? LAWS NO! M-O-O-N, that spells drink it by itself to appreciate its goodness. Everyone knows that.

Dr. Pepper? Hmmmmm. Maybe as a last resort.

Mountain Dew? Well, getting there.

Orange Juice? You gotta be fucking kiddin… wait. That might work.

Almost dead of thirst (because by this time I had ate another Oreo), I pulled out the OJ and took a big swig.

Not bad at all.

As a matter of fact, quite tasty.

It only makes sense. Oreos are a chocolate cookie, after all, and those chocolate oranges are damn delicious, I just had never thought of it.

Granted, orange juice won’t take the place of milk with Oreos, ever, and I won’t be dipping my Oreos into OJ anytime soon (maybe), but I can see myself having the two again.

George Washington’s Big Cock…

Just over a year ago, my buddy Milos (pronounced ME-losh not MY-los, fuckers) came over to the States from Serbia for the first time. He came with an iternary of things to see, and Freak Magnet and I were fortunate enough to be on that list.

While he was in Maryland, Freak took him to a Baltimore Orioles game, I met up with them one night for a Baysox (the minor league team in our area) game, and I also told him I’d go to Baltimore with him one day.

I can’t remember if we went to the Baysox game before or after B’more (I think it was before, but it’s pretty damn irrelevant). But, obviously, the guy running the strike board was making a statement. (I, of course, was oblivious to the sign until Milos pointed it out. Oh how I laughed.)

One of those K's should be backwards.

I just realized that this next pic, especially with my expression, makes it look as if I’m giving Milos a handy. I assure you I’m not. If I were, we would have been thrown out of the park. And we weren’t. Because I got my picture with Seargent Slaughter after the game. THAT IS PROOF.

The day we went to Baltimore, my friends Zig and Ann offered to tote us around since I avoid driving around within the confines of that blasted town. This was a good deal, as I don’t know my way around the city nearly as much as they do, and they could show Milos the real Baltimore.

One of the things Milos wanted to see in B’more for sure was the baseball museum and the Babe Ruth museum, both down by Ravens stadium, but anything other than that, he was open to. So Zig decided to drive him by Poe’s grave and the Poe house.

So, we’re driving around the city, windows down, checking out the scenery, breeze flowing through our hair when I thought I heard Milos whisper to me.


I wasn’t quite sure, at first, that I heard anything, so I didn’t reply. But, sure enough, I hear it again.


I turned to him, wondering why the hell he’s whispering. “What?” I probably sounded slightly annoyed, as I had no idea why he was whispering.

He nodded to my window. “Your window.”

I looked at my window. “Yeah? What about it?”

“Roll it up.”

I looked at his window. It was up. It was warm that day. And Zig seemingly never uses the AC.


“Your window. Roll it up.”

“What? Are you high? What? Why?”

He looked around at the city passing by him.

“You see where we are at? Roll up your window. And lock your door.”

I busted out laughing. Not at Milos, but at the situation. This motherfucker grew up during the Balkan Wars, bombs going off nightly, and here he is asking me to roll up my window while driving through Baltimore. Damn if that doesn’t take all, and, considering the area we were in, I could see his point.

“No, man,” I said, laughing. “Don’t worry about it. You don’t have worry about your window being down. Just roll your window up when I roll up mine.”

He looked at me uncertain, but he did crack his window halfway.

Two blocks later, we took the turn to Poe’s house and, as one, we all rolled up our windows and locked the doors. I don’t give a shit if it was broad daylight, that area is rough. Needless to say, we didn’t stop to enter the house, we just drove slowly by (which in itself was probably dangerous, as that could have been construed as a drive-by).

Fortunately for Milos, we didn’t get him shot or stabbed that day, and he made it to his museums and it turned out to be a funfilled day.

(Interestingly, he pointed out at Poe’s graveyard that the fence pointed inward, to keep the dead in, something I had never noticed — we didn’t stop to get out of the car there, either, but that was more of a timing thing.)

Oh, and we couldn’t leave Baltimore without showing him the infamous George Washington’s Big Cock statue.

Milos is planning another trip here, and I can’t wait. Hopefully I’ll be able to swing some more time (at the time, I couldn’t take any days off) so we can catch a Nats game. Yeah, they suck hard, but the stadium is nice (although it seems real small).

Here’s a quick pic of things to come…

Here’s a quick pic of things to come.

I’ve been working on Timewarp’s latest film. One weekend we filmed with women.


You can thank James for this blog. I needed to test Shutter Reloaded (the picture maker bigger when you click on it thingy plug in) to answer a question of his.


Oh, and on a side note, Mia (the lass in the picture) is funny as fuck. When Joe (the owner of Timewarp, and the fellow in the snazzy Hawiian shirt) was quoting lines from Project Runway, she informed him that, no, she does not watch Runway, she watches football. That there is the marrying type.

I was perusing youtube today…

I’m long overdue for an update, and one is coming soon (with pics, no doubt, as I’ve been taking a lot).

Anywho, I was perusing youtube today, and came across a video I haven’t seen in a while, but I still thing it’s one of the Best Videos Ever.

I could have sworn I posted this video here at one point, but a search yielded nothing. However, it certainly is good enough for another post — even if it is two years old.

Greens Keepers – Lotion


I’m looking down the hole
your looking up at me
you’re cold and tired
that is easy to see
lower the rope to you
a bucket on the line
your membrane will be soft and smooth 
and your heart will be mine

It rubs the lotion on its skin
Or else it get the hose again
It rubs the lotion on its skin
Or else it get the hose again
Yes precious it gets the hose

The look inside your eyes
drives me from control
evoking visions of my favourite casserole
and if i eat your heart
i’ll also eat your soul
and when i’m done with that i’ll use your skull as a bowl

It rubs the lotion on its skin
Or else it get the hose again
It rubs the lotion on its skin
Or else it get the hose again
Yes precious it gets the hose
It puts the lotion in the basket

The night is very cold 
I’m feeling kind of weak
I think i’ll make myself a cap from your right buttocks cheek
And then I will go walking with my little dog
and then I’ll bury you underneath a log

It rubs the lotion on its skin
Or else it get the hose again
It rubs the lotion on its skin
Or else it get the hose again
Yes it does precious 
It puts the lotion in the basket
bitch put the lotion in the basket
Oh put the lotion in the fucking basket bitch
put the lotion in the basket


Stupid song.


Hell, to add — and totally unrelated, other than it’s a movie too — one of my favorite scenes from Clerks 2.


It seemingly came out of nowhere. 😆