Flo Shizzle my nizzle.

Saturday night was fun times, indeed, as I went and checked out the Charm City All Stars do a double header, in matches versus the Dutchland Derby Rollers in bout one and the Rhode Island Riveters in bout two.

Yeah, baby. Roller Derby.

Up until a few months ago, I had never been to a Derby. Sure, I watched it growing up, but I had no idea there was an actual team right up the street from me until my friend, B, asked if I wanted to go to see a Roller Derby. I’m fairly certain I said “Yes!” without hesitation.

While cost wasn’t a factor, there were two price points: $10 for General Admission and $20 for V.I.P. Seating. B told me to get the V.I.P., because not only do you get seats right on the floor (all up IN the action), you get a goodie bag which usually makes up for the difference — and it most certainly did. In addition to a steller poster (pictured below, click they get bigger) and a free beer ticket in each, my first goodie bag contained a free burrito from Chipolte (which I gave to B, as there is not one convenient to me), a prety cool Charm City Roller Girls beer cubby, a spider ring (flashback, 1979!) and some coupons and stickers from local vendors. The second bag had some pens, a T-shirt (Large? WTF? Handed off to B) and a Khan action figure (Ricardo Montalban, fools!) which I gave to Crazy Todd, as he is apparently a big fan. So, yeah, the extra $10 is absolutely worth it — especially since I have since framed the posters, and are making a spot for them in the house. They are pretty bad ass.

This was the first time I had a Papst Blue Ribbon. It felt appropriate.

But as bad ass as the tchotchkes were, they have nothing on the event itself. The Derby is like…I don’t know…perfection in a stadium.

First up you have the women. They are the first and obvious reason why the Derby is awesome. Sexy numbers in hotpants, shortie shorts, spandex, I swear a bikini bottom, miniskirts, lacey pantyhose, some inked, some not, some tall, some short, some big boned, some tiny…holy shit awesome. It’s like I did up a jihad and made my way into heaven. Plus you throw in some throwdowns with names like “Flo Shizzle”, “Joy Division” and “Judy Boom” (oh how I lost man points on that one), how can you not have fun?

The concession stand smelled like hotdogs and body odor. NOT GOOD.

Now, if that weren’t enough (and, arguably, it is), they have play-by-play announcers that are funny as piss, with a golden topping of fantastic background music. I heard Motley Crue, Humpty Dumpty, Beastie Boys and many, many more that I’m obviously forgetting — next time I’m writing the tunes down and making a Roller Derby Playlist.

But wait, it gets even better. After this last Derby we went to the bar where the Roller Girls have their after party. I was pretty beat and was about to make an exit, when B said, “You don’t want to leave yet.”


“They haven’t done the dance off yet.”

“Wait…what? Dance off?”

“Yeah. The Charm City Roller Girls are going to come over and do a dance off over there on the dance floor.” She motioned to the dance floor.

I stayed.

It was worth it.

After that, I was going to roll out, as well as B, but she decided to stay as it was Crazy’s birthday. After some thought, I decided to stick, too, because as I told Dan (another friend there)…

“I can’t leave. Cause, man, if I do, one of you fools is going to call me tomorrow and say, ‘OH MY GOD! DO YOU KNOW WHAT HAPPENED AFTER YOU LEFT!'”

“EVERYONE GOT NAKED AND HAD SEX!” Dan replied. He knew.

So I stayed.

No one got naked and had sex. I’m damned if I do and I’m damned if I don’t.

Am I gushing? Absolutely. The Derby has everything I need to have a good time, elevated by the cats I went with. I don’t know when the next bout is, but I sure as hell hope to be there.


I’m still halfassing my way through scanning pictures and came across another nugget of my past. This one I actually scanned about a month ago, but obviously never put did anything with it. I’ve debating on posting it, not because of embarrassment, but for the safety of myself and the lady readers of the blog. I put myself in grave danger posting this, because I have no idea how you women will react.

Before you scroll down to see it, ladies, you will have to prepare yourself. Make sure you have a phone nearby for any heart fluctuations. (I would even recommend pre-dialing 911, so all you will have to do is hit send.)

Are you ready?

You sure?

If you are prone to heat flashes, I highly recommend closing this window now.

I can’t be responsible for anything that happens.

This is your last chance.

Okay, you’ve been substantially warned. Here you go:


Notice that fly robe. I’m money. Just like the Hef.