Elvis never meant shit to me.

I think we have an extra for virgin fest if ur interested! — B. Random.

About a week ago I said B sends the best text messages, and that there’s just an other example on how she owns the competition.

Obvious virgin jokes aside, the Virgin Festival is a day of music and free shit. The line up included:

Sunday’s Roulette
The Birthday Massacre
St. Vincent
Mates of State
Holy F*ck
Lee Burridge
Taking Back Sunday
The Hold Steady
Danny Howells
The Bravery
The National
Public Enemy
Pete Tong
Girl Talk
Franz Ferdinand

Now, if I were in my early 20s, that would probably be a stellar line up, but since I’m not, there was really no one on that list I was dying to see. Except for two bands: Public Enemy and Girl Talk.

I immediately replied to B that, yes, dammit, I was interested and I asked her what the plan was. She told me that the only bands she wanted to see was Public Enemy and Girl Talk, too. Hot damn. Perfect.

So after some coordination, I met her up at her house, along with Dan and Jane (the girly who had the available ticket), we piled in B’s car and headed down to the show.

In a nutshell, Public Enemy was amazing. They only played for about an hour or so, due to the number of bands sharing that stage, but hell, it was everything I expected and more. Oddly, before the show I’ve never been much of a fan of Flavor Flav. I always felt his goofy antics took away from Chuck D’s powerful lyrics. However, after seeing them live, I now realize how important Flav is to the group, as he kept the show absolutely rolling, and one point even jumped down off the stage and paraded around the audience (he passed probably five feet in front of us). And considering Chuck D. just turned 50 (!!), that man can still bring the power (or, rather, fight it). My buddy Zig saw Public Enemy a couple months ago at the Rams Head and he said they had played for three hours! If they come to a small venue like that again around here, I’m all over it. I can’t stress enough how great their set was.

Since we had about an hour to blow before Girl Talk, B, Jane and I wandered around the fest to see the vendors and snag the free goods. I scored a Converse bag that I didn’t need and ‘won’ a misting fan that I’ll probably never use. I also made a shrinky dink key chain, that I promptly lost. B made like three keychains (I bet she still has hers) and Jane made two, but someone stole Jane’s from the table. Lame. There was also a fun exchange between B and some Shady Vendor about the price of a sticker, but dammit if I can’t remember the exact wording which sucks because it was certainly post worthy.

After wandering around a bit, we met back up with Dan (who had caught up with some friends) and proceeded to the stage for Girl Talk. If you aren’t aware (or didn’t bother clicking the link I posted for him), Girl Talk is a mashup artist that mixes Rock, Pop and HipHop. He’s not my favorite mashup artist, but he’s up there for sure. His show was full of mad energy, as not only was he completely into it, but he had brought up a bunch of people on stage to dance. It was just one big party. Oh, and a public service announcement to you kids who go to these shows: There’s a time and a place for sexy dancing. At a concert in a clusterfuck full of people is neither the time, nor the place. There were two bozos behind B and myself getting grindy, and it was pretty damn annoying (although I think at one point B was getting the brunt of it). However, B and I both managed to here this awesome conversation between the two:

“Do you have a cigarette?” says the girl.

“No,” replies the boy. “I don’t smoke.”

NICE! Not only are they all but fucking behind us, they had just met. It would have been perfect if we had heard, “So what’s your name?” Aaah, to be young and annoying again.

Eventually, right before Girl Talk ended his set, the girl blew by us super quick away from Grinding Gary. I don’t know why, but it took him a minute to realize his private dancer had left and he headed off to find her — which happened to be in our general direction. B saw this, and turned herself to talk to Jane, effectively cockblocking him. I saw what she was doing and silently laughed. It was a good move because dude was a big ‘that guy’ or, as I described him later, “straight Southern Maryland” (those who know, know), and B either stopped something ugly from happening, or saved the girl from some regret. I’m not usually for the cockblock, but this was a good move.

Soon after Girl Talk, we rolled out. We were back at B’s by 10:30, and right before I left to go home I asked B for a Fig preserves recipe that she had made and was pretty fantastic. She said, “You really want that, Stewie? You know there’s work involved, right? You have to boil the jars for 20 minutes, you have to prepare the figs, you have to…”

“Oh, fuck it. Never mind. Next time you make it, make some for me. I’ll throw some coin your way.”

I still don’t know how I feel about the fact that she completely called me on the recipe. 😆

I was home and damn near asleep by 11:30. Aside from the forever lost slinky dink, it was all that I expected and more. Oh, and the cost of this extravaganza (not including the beer purchases)?


I got at least $20 worth of fun out of it.

Now for some ghetto ass videos I shot with my phone (warning, these are tinny as hell, so adjust your speakers accordingly!).

Public Enemy (911 and Fight the Power):

Just the craziness of the Girl Talk stage:

Texting is better than talking.

I think phone texting is probably the greatest invention (or use of technology) since the cell phone came out. For someone like me, texting is awesome because you can just get what you need to know without having the irrelevant bullshit getting in the way. Also when you have friends like mine (or a sister like Joy), you sometimes get comedy gold in the form of a random text.

Joy texted me today, and while I won’t that particular text, it caused me to go through ones I had saved because it’s time to clean it out. Some of these are OLD, but they make me laugh for one reason or another. You, dear reader, are blessed because I will share the love with you.

What the fuck is this wild kingdom. Now she is picking things off him and examing his ears. Hurry up. — Joy, referring to my mother and my father when my father was in the hospital. I was on my way down, but not driving fast enough, apparently.

I wear small but XXL 4 comfort. — Earl, replying to my text on what size shirt he wore. Earl is my size. Small and Medium aren’t even options if you don’t know me. Neither is Large. For those just joining in Earl is my ex-brother-in-law.

We should totally audition for hell house! — B, watching the fantastic Hell House. This is pretty funny if you have seen the doc. B is going to be on this list a lot.

We should totally do the role playing game / occult scene. — B, 10 minutes later, still watching Hell House.

why hasn’t god gvine anyone i know the gift of speaking in tongue? i wonder if that language has ever been anaylzed for consistency. is there a dictionary? — B.

Karate kid marathon on family channel sun! — my lawyer friend. She digs the ’80s movies and shares the moments.

I got a flurry of texts when Obama was elected. Five of my favorites:

crying in a fetal postition. in between outbursts about blackberries, negroes and excessive partiesTom answering my question on how this ultra conservative we know was reacting to Obama’s swearing in. The blackberry refers to the [sarcastic quotes]blackberry drama[/sarcastic quotes] right before the election, as well as the party bills people were bitching about.

tgm just broke his tv. — Again, Tom, referring to another ultra conservative we know. I believe this was the point Obama was actually being sworn in.

i’m so glad these 8 years are over! — B, speaking for many of us.

Omg – there is an obama dildo 4 sale! — My lawyer friend, telling me something I didn’t know. This was a day or so after the election.

…for some reason your name didn’t come up. that’s what happens when u get a black prez we 4 get our 1 wht bff. — Keila claims she’s my only black friend, and she quickly forgot me when Obama was elected.

More randomness:

now i have the lost boys soundtrack running in my head. i feel like ripping off my shirt and rocking the sax — Tom. Random.

I just got home. i wish i had pizza. should we order some later? ledo’s doesn’t deliver… those fucks. — B. Random.

u can have my kahn toy. — B offering up her free Khan (from Star Trek) action figure that we were to get at the Roller Derby. I declined. I only like horror action figures. Sci fi is for nerds.

It’s cold. baron and i are cozying up to watch faster pussycat kill kill! rock it! — B. Random. Mad <3 for B for this. You always have to give props for those who dig Faster Pussycat! Kill! Kill!

clearly you dropped the ball on uncle “sex ed” duties. — B. Not random.

i went to blockbuster to get disc two of TP [Twin Peaks]. online they said they opened at 10. they lied. they open at 12. now i have to go back in an hour. i hate them. — B. Random. And I don’t know why that makes me laugh, but I do every time I read it. I don’t care if you don’t. I think it’s funny.

ur a rockstar — B. Not random and not funny. Just true. I keep all of my compliment related texts because I’m an egomaniac. I’d post more, but I get SO MANY that I have to constantly delete them to keep the good stuff.

I hope you are sanatizing. I’m very upset about this flu. — Joy. Random, making fun of the Avian Flu. Or Swine Flu. Or whateverthefuck flu flu.

I think my pretzel shop closed down. lame. i still have cheese dammit! — B. Random. There used to be a badass pretzel store near B where you could get fresh made pretzels on the cheap. This text was soon followed by:

The preztel store DID close. I hate them. — I love that B hates about as much as I do.

you gotta do it when it’s not hot. fuck mowing. — B in reply to my text bitching about mowing. I like how she gave me the advice to mow when it’s not hot. I’m convinced my friends think I’m retarded.

omg i just saw a review of Dead Snow and thought of u. it has norwegian zombies in it! — B. Random. I love how my friends see weird shit and think of me. B had also alerted me to Psycho being played while the Baltimore Symphonic Orchestra did the music live. I fucking missed that, though.

Shit. i fucked up and got on the front car of the train. agggghhhhh! — I’m laughing rewriting that. She was down in DC like the day after that big Metro train crash. That was the text I got.

i fucking hate you… — Tom, expressing his displeasure of me texting him telling him all the fun I was having with another of our friends while he was stuck at work.

Thank goodness he don’t look like you — Keila, her first response after seeing a picture of my grandnephew. That’s another blog.

U know all babies r pink when they come out. give him a couple of days b4 declaring him wht. — Keila, in response to something I sent that will probably piss off Joy. Joy reads this blog.

Banana hammock? — Hot Dolly. I told her that’s what I wear to swim. I directed her to google image search.

Saw a pic of old guy in ur swimwear. Gross! No man should wear that hideous thing!!!! — Hot Dolly, after visiting google. WTFever. That old guy doesn’t have the body of Adonis like myself.

I can’t listen to any more. Gross. — Joy’s follow up text after hanging up on me. I found an old cassette tape of her talking to her boyfriend on the phone when she was like 14 or 15. I had been giving her play by play. I’m so blogging that sometime in the future. I’m debating on actually transcribing it. It might be worth it.

Fuck u & your pork! — Zig, swearing the pork I grilled messed up his stomach. Not true.

Mom is making her a mean cake too! — Hot Dolly referring to my sister’s surprise birthday party, to which I replied: I’m sorry your mom is baking for Satan. And then Dolly was all:

she doesn’t, she’s baking a cake for ur sister. — oh Dolly, you are so young. Joy has not shown her true self to you.

Burgers-Fries-CORN! Can we use u for a Lowes run? — Zig, bribing me with corn. Oh how I love corn on the cob. We did a Lowes run.

But u dont get to see any stank ass all up in ur face. That’s no fun. — Hot Dolly in response to my pleasure that strip clubs weren’t in the plan for the bachelor party I went to. (I don’t pay for boobies, as much as I love them.)

i haven’t touched it in a few days. but i keep wanting to. — Tom in reply to me asking him if he finished a book yet. One minute later, he sent:

that’s about the book… not my cock.– Thanks for the update, Tom.

I have quite a few more (most from Joy) that I just can’t post because they are horrible. And by that I mean horribly funny, but they are way offensive and even in context it would not put Joy in a good light to those who don’t know her. I’m not about that.

B obviously owns that list because I get the most random shit from her, and her sarcastic attitude equals mine so her replies to my stupid ass texts are just as gold.

The Lesley recently verified her phone number for me, but I haven’t yet started sending insanity to her yet, but I’m quite sure she’s game because she’s fully capable of bringing the snark.

I’m suspecting those that know the players will get more out of this than those that don’t, but since I enjoyed writing it because I got to go through them again, you cats that are let down will have to wait until the next entry. Trust me, though, this shit is GOLD. There you go.

Dorkapalooza 2009.

It’s no secret that I’m a big dork when it comes to movies, and I go to various horror conventions when I get a chance (just search this blog for conventions, and you’ll see. Or just click here because I did the work for you).

Having gone to so many cons, there’s not many guests that I get excited for, as I’ve pretty much met all the people in the genre I want to meet that do the circuit, with few exceptions. One of the exceptions was Katharine Isabelle, star of the Ginger Snaps movies, among others. (Should that be “amongst”? I have no idea). So when my buddy Zig shot me a link to the Monster Mania con a couple months ago, I immediately agreed to go, because in addition to some pretty cool guests, Katharine, or Katie as I call her — SUCK IT TOM! — was going to be there. Bonus was the con was only two hours away, and the big money bonus was my other buddy, Kevin, told us that the show was dead the last time he went. Since Kevin was a vendor, that was bad for him, but potentially great for us because it meant no big lines.

Zig and I got to the con about 11ish, and went straight to the celebrity room. Oddly, there was no one collecting money for entrance, and we just walked right in. This wasn’t really our fault because the way they had it set up is the celebrity room was right off the main entrance to the hotel, and where you purchase your ticket was in another room altogether. At the time, they neither had signs, nor security at the door, so it wasn’t intentional. As Zig was talking to one of the actors from Friday the 13th Part V, I finally noticed a staff member (who happened to be eyeballing me, looking for my wrist thingy showing I paid), and I asked them where to purchase the tickets. He was pretty cool, and mentioned that he knew he shouldn’t have let “Talky” watch the door, so he wasn’t surprised that we just walked in. He pointed out where to buy the tix, and I went and bought one. Very cordial staff there, so I give them thumbs up (those who’ve been to a Chiller show know what assholes staff can be).

Anyways, by the time I got back, Zig was just wrapping up with the Ft13th stars and, after some pics, we walked over to Katie’s table. Now, one thing about Katharine Isabelle is that I crush on her. Ever since I saw Ginger Snaps, I’ve been loosely following her career, and I try to pick up (or at least watch) what she’s in. She’s a pretty good actress, but let’s face it, she’s also easy on the eyes. I was mildly concerned I would turn into a total boob when I started talking to her, but she was so damn sweet I felt completely at ease. I should note that I’ve only got tongue tied around one person I met, but it my defense, Tony fucking Todd is just as damn intimidating in real life as he is in Candyman.

I asked Katie a couple questions about her career, begged her for an interview for HorrorTalk (to which she gave me contact info of her manager, which rocks), got my stellar custom Ginger Snaps case (see Paul Champaign’s site for awesome work) signed and got my picture with her. I have to say, she was pretty damn spectacular. She was wearing sunglasses, which I asked if she could take off for the pic, and she was completely cool about it. I think it should be noted that it was evident she wasn’t wearing them to be all superstarry. Zig and I think she was hungover, which is pretty much standard at these cons. If you’ve ever been to one, there is a LOT of drinking by both guests and goers. I can attest to that. 😆


To be honest, at that point we could have left and I would have been a very happy man, but we decided to give the vendor room a whirl. Good thing, too, because I picked up a cool shirt and pint glass on the cheap:

Okay, the shirt is brilliant because it’s the pub from An American Werewolf in London. What makes it great is it just says “The Slaughtered Lamb”. That’s it. So you either know or you don’t. The pint glass is brilliant because it’s the name of the pub in Shaun of the Dead. Like the shirt, that’s all it says (aside from the writing, of course). But it’s still another one of those either you know or you don’t. I am not ashamed of my dorkness.

Also in the vendor room, I got to meet Lloyd Kaufman from Troma. I freely admit I’m not a big fan of Troma movies, but I’m a huge fan of Lloyd Kaufman, one of its founders. Kaufman has done so much for the low-budget horror genre, he is virtually unequaled in his contributions, not to mention Troma is one of — if not the — oldest independent studios. I have nothing but respect for the man.


That there is Lloyd, me (duh), Necropheilia (?) and The Toxic Avenger. For the record, Lloyd is the only celebrity that didn’t charge. Mad MySpace kudos to him.

We decided to walk around the celebrity room once more before rolling, and I broke down and paid for a picture and autograph with John Landis. Normally I wouldn’t, but the man rarely does shows, and I didn’t know if I’d have another chance to meet him. I still do not support actively working celebrities such as Landis charging, but I really wanted that picture with him. 😆


Please note that is not my arm around his. I know how it looks. 😆

I also met the director of such gems like Savage Streets and Friday the 13th Part V, Danny Steinmann. Dude was extremely gracious, and I’m really happy I got to meet him, as he’s up there in age and who knows how many shows he’ll be up to attending. I was happy to tell him how much I enjoyed Savage Streets.

Aside from the traffic up and back (some sort of motorcycle rally was holding us up on the way to the show, and there was a ton of game traffic heading to FedEx Field on the way home) and two of my friends who live up in the area that I don’t see enough sadly couldn’t make it, I had an amazing time. We were in and out of the con in about 2 hours, with virtually no lines waited in for the people we wanted to meet, and some good deals in the vendor room.

I have to give Monster Mania a big thumbs up. My first time was both a memorable and pleasurable one, and there’s little doubt that I’ll hit it again, should they have the variety of guests like they did this year.

Godwin’s Law in real life.

Honestly, do people who compare Obama to Hitler really expect to be taken seriously? Really?


Bravo to Barney Frank for blasting that ignorant little girl.

I don’t care what people think about the health care plan (I am still on the fence, something absolutely needs to be done, but I’m not sold on this plan as of yet), but to compare Obama to Hitler will have you lose any sort of credibility you might have thought you had.