This is no laughing matter…

Obligatory start here and work your way forward. I shall warn you ahead of time, this is not the end of the story, there’s one more part.

Let me tell you something: From the moment I made it back to class to fourth period, it sucked. It sucked in class with everyone looking at me and smiling, but it sucked more in the halls with people coming up to me and busting my balls. But the worst part is, judging from some of the looks I got, some people actually believed that I touched the kid. These, of course, were people who had no idea who I was, but fuck me, I didn’t need this shit. So I was running from class to class just to avoid the hallways, but part of my fourth period was lunch, and I was not looking forward to that. (In our school, fourth period was an extended period and they had lunches mixed in. I would go to class for 20 minutes, go to lunch for a 1/2 hour or whatever, then go back to the same class for another 25).

On the bright side, I did run into Stewie in the hallway and he assured me that he didn’t breath a word about what happened to anyone. I believed him. He was as embarrassed about the whole thing as I was. He had also told me that it was definitely David who said I touched him, and no one else, because Mr. Gibson never brought up any witnesses. All he had asked Stewie was where was he sitting on the bus the day before and if he saw anything. I guess they had pulled us both because we were both named Stewie. It wasn’t rocket science.

Anyway, I was hoping that this shit would be settled before lunch, but you know how that goes.

So lunch comes around and, of course, my friends bust my balls with shit like wondering whether or not they could set next to a molester and all. The then came to a consensus that since they weren’t retarded, they were safe, but the first sign of wandering hands, they were outta there.

And it was also nice that people stopped by the table to show their support by making fun of me. That’s always good. Yeah, it’s pretty funny now, and there is no doubt I would have done the same, but man, it was pretty fucking humiliating at the time.

About midway through lunch, I get called to the office. Over the loudspeaker. Laughter and taunts ensued as I got up and walked out of the lunch room, so I could walk the ten feet to the office. I mean, was it too much to fucking ask that they sent someone for me? It wasn’t like they didn’t have my schedule.

I went to the office and I was told by one of the student aids to have a seat, Stup would be with me.

Soon enough, Stup pokes his head out of the office. “You can come back now, Stewie.”

I went back to his office and stepped inside.

“Shut the door, please.” He said.

Oh, it was a little to fucking late for that, I wanted to tell him. What’s that saying about the horse and the barn door? But I bit my tongue. No need to make things worse.

“Well, David has admitted to lying and he told us everything that happened. Lucky for you, his story matches yours.” He started.

“Lucky how? I told you from the beginning I didn’t touch him. You were the one that believed him. The whole school knows that I was accused of touching a retarded kid. How am I lucky?” I replied. For the first time my emotions changed. I was no longer scared. I was fucking furious. Fur. i. ous. And this cocksucker was telling me I was lucky.

“We’ll get to that. We still have to deal with the cigarettes.” He said.

“What? What’s there to deal with?”

“Did you offer David one?” He asked.

“What?” For God’s sake, this guy was unbelievable.

“Did. You. Offer. David. A. Cigarette?” Each word was enunciated with the tapping of his pen.

“What? Yeah. I guess. He wouldn’t leave me alone, he kept going on about me having cigarettes, so I offered him one, just to shut him up. I wasn’t going to let him take it though.”

“So you offered a mentally disabled kid a cigarette?”

“Well, yeah, but no. I mean, I wasn’t actually going to give it to him.”

“You sure about that? I don’t know if I believe you” He said, leaning into me.

“About as sure as knowing I didn’t touch him. And you didn’t believe that. I don’t care what you believe.”

He lost and he knew it. He lost the moment David admitted that he was lying. I don’t know what he was trying to do now, but whatever it was, he was done.

“Well, let me tell you why you are lucky. You could be in a lot of trouble for admitting to smoking at the bus stop. You’re lucky because we decided not to call your parents about this incident.” He leaned back in his chair.

I couldn’t help it. I started to laugh. Hard. It came out. I could not believe this guy.

“This is no laughing matter, Stewie. You could be suspended, or expelled! What’s so funny?”

“You decided not to call my parents over this ‘incident’? And I’m lucky for that? Let me tell you something, Mr. Stup, I can assure you that my parents will be calling you.” I said.

“We’ll see.” He said.

“Yeah,” I said, standing up, “we will.”

I left. And I felt good. I stood up to him in the end. I kept waiting for him to call me back in his office, but it never happened. I would be lying if I said I wasn’t nervous when I left without him dismissing me. Because I was. But I couldn’t take being in the same room with him anymore and he and I both knew I had the upper hand.

School was school for the rest of the day. I don’t remember how bad it was because all I can remember is how badly I wanted to get home to tell my mom everything that happened.

See, my mother has always been a bitch. A self-admitted bitch at that. The woman has never put up with any bullshit for as long as I remember and I’ve seen her make people cry. And part of me believes she enjoyed it. I love her for that.

The thing is, when my mom has all of the facts, and it’s something she believes in, she will not let up. She’s a pitbull going after an open thigh. She’ll latch in and won’t let up until there is blood. I knew it. My sister knew it. My friends knew it. The people who crossed her knew it.

And Mr. Stup was soon going to find out.

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Did your mom shank him? That’d be priceless, I tell you.

Good story, so far. I’m hooked. You should turn this into a miniseries and compete with Degrassi.

Freak Magnet

omg, he’s right, Stewie! You know Neon’d watch! He LOVES that high school crap!


There’s a “The O.C.” plotline in here somewhere, I can feel it. You’re gonna be rich!


And all of this because you didn’t like Star Trek? What a Klingon



I hope you made some coin off of this. Off of the school and the kid.

Of course, I still think you touched him and this is just a clever plan to clear your name.


dave – i wish my mom had shanked him. no, that would have been quick.

freak – it may have been an episode of dawson’s creek. Neon would know.

ace – if someone steals this for the oc, I HAVE WITNESSES!

norman – dear lord, i never thought of that. good point.

fnord – i told you what really happened online today. that’s a secret. remember that.


There were no mentally disabled kids on Dawson’s Creek. But if there were, I can guarantee they’d be hot and you’d want to touch them.

I would sue their asses. My Mom once got a teacher fired she raised so much holy hell. It amazes me that VP’s never take the parent threat seriously. They can be a school administrators worst nightmare when they’re protecting their kids.


I’m honestly surprised she didn’t get him fired. It wouldn’t have been the first time she took care of business.

I should ask her next time I talk to her.

Brik D

I just wanted to correct Renaldo on his “no mentally disabled kids on Dawson’s Creek” thing. They were ALL disabled. Mouth-breathers one and all.