I think phone texting is probably the greatest invention (or use of technology) since the cell phone came out. For someone like me, texting is awesome because you can just get what you need to know without having the irrelevant bullshit getting in the way. Also when you have friends like mine (or a sister like Joy), you sometimes get comedy gold in the form of a random text.
Joy texted me today, and while I won’t that particular text, it caused me to go through ones I had saved because it’s time to clean it out. Some of these are OLD, but they make me laugh for one reason or another. You, dear reader, are blessed because I will share the love with you.
What the fuck is this wild kingdom. Now she is picking things off him and examing his ears. Hurry up. — Joy, referring to my mother and my father when my father was in the hospital. I was on my way down, but not driving fast enough, apparently.
I wear small but XXL 4 comfort. — Earl, replying to my text on what size shirt he wore. Earl is my size. Small and Medium aren’t even options if you don’t know me. Neither is Large. For those just joining in Earl is my ex-brother-in-law.
We should totally audition for hell house! — B, watching the fantastic Hell House. This is pretty funny if you have seen the doc. B is going to be on this list a lot.
We should totally do the role playing game / occult scene. — B, 10 minutes later, still watching Hell House.
why hasn’t god gvine anyone i know the gift of speaking in tongue? i wonder if that language has ever been anaylzed for consistency. is there a dictionary? — B.
Karate kid marathon on family channel sun! — my lawyer friend. She digs the ’80s movies and shares the moments.
I got a flurry of texts when Obama was elected. Five of my favorites:
crying in a fetal postition. in between outbursts about blackberries, negroes and excessive parties — Tom answering my question on how this ultra conservative we know was reacting to Obama’s swearing in. The blackberry refers to the [sarcastic quotes]blackberry drama[/sarcastic quotes] right before the election, as well as the party bills people were bitching about.
tgm just broke his tv. — Again, Tom, referring to another ultra conservative we know. I believe this was the point Obama was actually being sworn in.
i’m so glad these 8 years are over! — B, speaking for many of us.
Omg – there is an obama dildo 4 sale! — My lawyer friend, telling me something I didn’t know. This was a day or so after the election.
…for some reason your name didn’t come up. that’s what happens when u get a black prez we 4 get our 1 wht bff. — Keila claims she’s my only black friend, and she quickly forgot me when Obama was elected.
now i have the lost boys soundtrack running in my head. i feel like ripping off my shirt and rocking the sax — Tom. Random.
I just got home. i wish i had pizza. should we order some later? ledo’s doesn’t deliver… those fucks. — B. Random.
u can have my kahn toy. — B offering up her free Khan (from Star Trek) action figure that we were to get at the Roller Derby. I declined. I only like horror action figures. Sci fi is for nerds.
It’s cold. baron and i are cozying up to watch faster pussycat kill kill! rock it! — B. Random. Mad <3 for B for this. You always have to give props for those who dig Faster Pussycat! Kill! Kill!
clearly you dropped the ball on uncle “sex ed” duties. — B. Not random.
i went to blockbuster to get disc two of TP [Twin Peaks]. online they said they opened at 10. they lied. they open at 12. now i have to go back in an hour. i hate them. — B. Random. And I don’t know why that makes me laugh, but I do every time I read it. I don’t care if you don’t. I think it’s funny.
ur a rockstar — B. Not random and not funny. Just true. I keep all of my compliment related texts because I’m an egomaniac. I’d post more, but I get SO MANY that I have to constantly delete them to keep the good stuff.
I hope you are sanatizing. I’m very upset about this flu. — Joy. Random, making fun of the Avian Flu. Or Swine Flu. Or whateverthefuck flu flu.
I think my pretzel shop closed down. lame. i still have cheese dammit! — B. Random. There used to be a badass pretzel store near B where you could get fresh made pretzels on the cheap. This text was soon followed by:
The preztel store DID close. I hate them. — I love that B hates about as much as I do.
you gotta do it when it’s not hot. fuck mowing. — B in reply to my text bitching about mowing. I like how she gave me the advice to mow when it’s not hot. I’m convinced my friends think I’m retarded.
omg i just saw a review of Dead Snow and thought of u. it has norwegian zombies in it! — B. Random. I love how my friends see weird shit and think of me. B had also alerted me to Psycho being played while the Baltimore Symphonic Orchestra did the music live. I fucking missed that, though.
Shit. i fucked up and got on the front car of the train. agggghhhhh! — I’m laughing rewriting that. She was down in DC like the day after that big Metro train crash. That was the text I got.
i fucking hate you… — Tom, expressing his displeasure of me texting him telling him all the fun I was having with another of our friends while he was stuck at work.
Thank goodness he don’t look like you — Keila, her first response after seeing a picture of my grandnephew. That’s another blog.
U know all babies r pink when they come out. give him a couple of days b4 declaring him wht. — Keila, in response to something I sent that will probably piss off Joy. Joy reads this blog.
Banana hammock? — Hot Dolly. I told her that’s what I wear to swim. I directed her to google image search.
Saw a pic of old guy in ur swimwear. Gross! No man should wear that hideous thing!!!! — Hot Dolly, after visiting google. WTFever. That old guy doesn’t have the body of Adonis like myself.
I can’t listen to any more. Gross. — Joy’s follow up text after hanging up on me. I found an old cassette tape of her talking to her boyfriend on the phone when she was like 14 or 15. I had been giving her play by play. I’m so blogging that sometime in the future. I’m debating on actually transcribing it. It might be worth it.
Fuck u & your pork! — Zig, swearing the pork I grilled messed up his stomach. Not true.
Mom is making her a mean cake too! — Hot Dolly referring to my sister’s surprise birthday party, to which I replied: I’m sorry your mom is baking for Satan. And then Dolly was all:
she doesn’t, she’s baking a cake for ur sister. — oh Dolly, you are so young. Joy has not shown her true self to you.
Burgers-Fries-CORN! Can we use u for a Lowes run? — Zig, bribing me with corn. Oh how I love corn on the cob. We did a Lowes run.
But u dont get to see any stank ass all up in ur face. That’s no fun. — Hot Dolly in response to my pleasure that strip clubs weren’t in the plan for the bachelor party I went to. (I don’t pay for boobies, as much as I love them.)
i haven’t touched it in a few days. but i keep wanting to. — Tom in reply to me asking him if he finished a book yet. One minute later, he sent:
that’s about the book… not my cock.– Thanks for the update, Tom.
I have quite a few more (most from Joy) that I just can’t post because they are horrible. And by that I mean horribly funny, but they are way offensive and even in context it would not put Joy in a good light to those who don’t know her. I’m not about that.
The Lesley recently verified her phone number for me, but I haven’t yet started sending insanity to her yet, but I’m quite sure she’s game because she’s fully capable of bringing the snark.
I’m suspecting those that know the players will get more out of this than those that don’t, but since I enjoyed writing it because I got to go through them again, you cats that are let down will have to wait until the next entry. Trust me, though, this shit is GOLD. There you go.