I should have left it at no…

Why is it that women are compelled to “remain friends” after a relationship is oh-so-obviously over?

About a month or so ago, my phone rang. My house phone. Now, 99% of the time I don’t even bother getting up to answer that one because 99% of the time it’s someone I don’t want to talk to. My friends have my cell number. They know that’s the one to call. But, honestly, I don’t answer that one 99% of the time, either. I just hate talking on the phone. Case in point, my friend left the following message:

“Why in the fuck do you bother to have a cell phone if you never answer it, or even make phone calls from it?”

I honestly don’t know because she’s right.

Anyway, back on track, the phone happened to be right next to me, so I glanced at the caller id (that is something I do 100% of the time, regardless of which phone it is).

It was my ex-girlfriend.

I threw the phone across the couch and quickly stood up to make a break for the door. Yeah, that doesn’t make much sense. I kind of realized that when my hand gripped the doorknob.

I haven’t talked to my ex in well over a year and a half. We broke up over three years ago. And the only reason I talked to her after we broke up was I had co-signed a car for her. dumb. dumb. DUMB. After the car was finally in her name, I was free and clear of both.

To make it clear, very clear, I have no bad feelings to the ex. She easily treated me better than anyone I dated. The breakup was a little, no, a lot fucked up (on her end), but in the big picture, she was a good girlfriend. I won’t ever date her again, I’ve moved way the hell on, but seeing the number on the ID freaked me the hell out. What the hell did she want?

The answering machine kicked in…

“Hey Stewie, it’s your ex (she said her name). Just wanted to see how you were doing. Give me a call!”

What the fuck?

It’s been almost two years. What the hell are we going to talk about? The Redskins? My job? Her first victim? Hell, in my mind, there’s nothing to say.

So I did what I usually do in these situations. I turned to the females I knew for a translation, and they all, more or less, said the same thing–the ex wants to see how I was doing.


Listen ladies, when you break up with a man, he doesn’t want to be your friend. He doesn’t want to be your confidant. He doesn’t want to talk to you about your job, your problems, your new boyfriends or basically anything. He wants you to go away. There’s nothing more to say.

And you women don’t get it. We don’t WANT to be your friend. You took away teh sex. When asked to have teh sex, you tell us it will complicate things now that there is no more relationship. Well maybe for YOU. So, if you take away teh sex, what’s left for us? Hell, speaking for myself, I have enough female friends that aren’t having sex with me. I don’t want one more.

I remember once, during our relationship, the ex asked me if we broke up, would I still be friends with her.

“No,” I immediately replied. Hell, I didn’t even think about it. I just said it.

“What?!? Why not?!?” She said, exasperated.

“Why? What’s the point? I don’t want to be friends with someone I dated.”

“Not ever? Not even after a year?”

I was already done with the conversation because I knew it wouldn’t get better. “Okay,” I conceded, “maybe I’d talk to you again after a year.”

I should have left it at no.

*on a somewhat related note, freak, no negative comments about the ex. I know you don’t like her, and I know why. I don’t bad mouth her and, as my friend, you shouldn’t either. At least not around me. You are free to do it wherever else you please.*