Shut the fuck up, fanboy…

Part one

Word on the net is Don Coscarelli has been talking about remaking his classic Phantasm movies (parts 1 – 3).

Uh oh.

Fanboys are going to be pissed.

Brace yourself.

The shit is going to hit the fan.

Now, let’s take a minute to talk about remakes.

As I see it, there are two types of remakes. And since one type doesn’t even count as a remake in the first place, I’ll tackle that one first…

A remake of a movie who’s original source was a book.

When The Shining TV mini-series was announced, fanboys all across the globe were in a rage. If you listened close enough, you could hear their cheeto cheese coated fingers punching angry diatribes on the computer.

“How could they?!?”
“Why would they mess with perfection?!?”
“Mick Garris is a hack!”
“I want to suck Kubrick’s dick! Who else do I need to suck to do that?”

And my personal favorite…

“How can they make it better than the original?!?”

Okay, first of all, fucknuts, the movie may be also known as “Stanley Kubrick’s The Shining,” but it was based on Stephen King’s book. And by based, I mean both shared characters of the same name and both took place in a hotel. That’s about it.

Reality check: The movie was not a Kubrick original.

And, as far as following the book (which is one of the main reasons King himself wanted the remake done), the miniseries far surpassed the “original.” Note the sarcastic quotes around “original.” Don’t get me wrong, I enjoyed Kubrick’s Shining quite a bit. But, as a movie based on a book, it sucks more than your mother pulling a train.

So, shut the fuck up, fanboys. Movies based on books don’t count as remakes. I don’t care if they are filmed 100 times, if the original source is a book, keep you mouth shut because when you open it, you are only showing your ignorance.

Now, prepare your tissues, boys. Here are some movies that can be remade (and I left out the obvious ones like Dracula and Frankenstein).

A Clockwork Orange
The Exorcist
One Flew Over the Cuckoo’s Nest
The Godfather

And I wish next year they relase all of those movies above as remakes with Ice Cube and Queen Latifah as the lead stars of each. Why? Because I like Ice Cube and Queen Latifah. Plus, I would think it would sound kind of cool as twelve million elitist prick fanboy’s heads all exploded at once.

Stay tuned for part two.