A good cat is a dead cat…

I hate cats.

Cats are easily the most useless domesticated animal. They have absolutely no purpose. None. Unless it’s to piss on your carpets, destroy your furniture, break your belongings or, if you are allergic, make you completely miserable. I take that back, you don’t have to be allergic to cats for them to make you miserable.

And, cat owners, pipe down. I already heard all of your lame ass excuses.

“They are good companions.”

The fuck they are. They only let you pet them when it’s convenient for them. Or they want something. Don’t think for one minute that their world revolves around you. Cats are selfish little bastards. If you want a companion, get a dog.

“Cats are smarter than dogs, they have their own personality.”

No. Cats are smarter than you. They own your ass and you don’t even realize it. You say they have a personality so you can justify how they walk all over you.

“He only pees on your carpet because he’s marking his territory.”

What?!? Marking his territory? Until that piece of wasted flesh pays a fucking mortgage bill, he doesn’t have any fucking territory.

“He only pees on your carpet because he’s upset.”

Hey, I get upset when I’m in Walmart, but I don’t take my dick out and piss all over the automotive section.

“My cat knows me better than anyone else. He’s like a little person.”

What. The. Fuck. Seriously. Get some fucking help. And yes, I have heard that one.

And on. And on. And on.

All cats are the same. They all suck. They should round them all up and put them down. Little worthless fuckers.

And if you think they are loyal to you, go ahead and have someone else start feeding them. See how much they pay attention to you after that.

I used to have a dog that only my dad fed, but that dog was loyal to everyone in the family and he came to anyone in the family who called him. Try that with a cat.

Cats fucking suck.