I need a cigarette…

So I read in the paper the other day that D.C. is trying to ban smoking in bars again.


You hear that?

That’s the sound of millions of smoke nazis around the globe doing a little dance.

I’ll give them a minute to stop.

Okay, smoke nazis, now that you can hear me…

You are a bunch of fucking idiots.

Do your fucking dance. Enjoy the fact you may have another city that will have smoke free bars. And, not surprisingly, completely miss the bigger picture. But, before I explain the bigger picture to you, I’m going to share with everyone else the main reason why smoke nazis love this law. The ONLY reason that’s been given to me on why this law is good.

“Now my clothes smell like smoke after I go out drinking.”

Um. Sure.

Let me clue you guys in on a new invention. It’s called a washing machine. You want to know what it does? It washes your fucking clothes, you dumb asses.

Oh, oh! I just shot there major excuse down. Wait for the next one, the one that’s a throwaway.

“Now I don’t get second-hand smoke. It’s dangerous.”

Let me clue you guys in on something else. You aren’t going to get lung cancer from going to a bar every now in then, you dumb asses. And do yourself a favor, investigate second-hand smoke, some. You may be surprised to learn that there are just as many studies discrediting it as studies that claim it’s killing us all. I’d love to carry on with this topic more, but this blog isn’t about the effects (or non-effects) of second-hand smoke.

Now, the big picture. The one you smoke nazis either completely ignore, or just don’t see. I’ll even type it slow so you can keep up.

The government is telling a bar owner what’s best for his/her business.

I’ll type it again, in case you missed. I’ll even bold it so you know that it’s important.

The government is telling a bar owner what’s best for his/her business.

Do you honestly think that’s a good thing? Here you got a man (or woman) who is abiding by all the state laws, running his/her bar, making some money for him and his family and the goverment comes in and says “Yeah, we know it’s your business, but we think it’s best for you that you lose up to 50% of your income. Because we feel it is up to us to protect non-smokers from, uh, second-hand smoke or something.”


Now here’s a thought. I’m just throwing this out there. If you don’t like to go to a place where smoking is allowed, don’t fucking go. If you don’t like working in a place where smoking is allowed, find another job. Is it that hard to be a responsible adult, capable of making your own decisions? Or do you still need someone to hold your hand, like mommy and daddy did for you when you were a child, because that is EXACTLY what the government is doing. It’s making the decision for you. And me too, you fucking cocks. Thanks for imposing your lifestyle on me. I appreciate that.

Also, do you really think it’s fair that someone should lose their money, and possibly their life savings, because the government has a bug up their ass and a hand in their pocket telling them that smoking is bad? And don’t think for a second that someone other the government is footing this bill. Do some research.

“Here’s the grabber: The movement to make Washington smoke-free isn’t coming from actual Washingtonians. “Smoke Free D.C.” is underwritten by a $250,000 grant from the Robert Wood Johnson Foundation, a non-profit “public health” organization based in New Jersey. The movement was given $50,000 by the Rockefeller Family Fund, which is based in New York.

The AFL-CIO of Washington enthusiastically supports the ban, claiming in a press release that “secondhand smoke causes 65,000 deaths per year in the United States.”

That number is absurd. It’s 20 times the estimate of secondhand smoke deaths put out by the Center for Disease Control, and even the CDC’s estimate was recently laughed out of a federal court.” (Fox News)

Yes, goddammit, smoking is bad. It’s a filthy, disgusting, addictive habit. And I’m a smoker. But you know what? I’m responsible for my own actions, and if there is a bar that is a non-smoking bar, I’ll go to another one. But, unfortunately, I’m not going to have a choice. Choice. Now there’s an interesting word.

How about we give the bar owners a CHOICE on whether or not to make their bar a smoking or non-smoking one? Oh, fuck me, did I just say that? Give them a choice? God forbid some sense is thrown out in the mix.

Because we all know damn well that the bar owners are going to do what’s best for their business, thus, most likely, keeping it a smoking bar. And since the smoke nazis are whiney babies who can’t handle making their own decisions, they get the government involved to do their thinking for them. And the rest of us. Thank you so much for taking decision making away from me. I was worried I was going to have to think for a minute. Oh, I was wondering, how did you find time for this when you are usually so busy writing down everything Howard Stern says that you don’t like? Did finally figure out to change the station? Or have you given up on him since he’s going to satellite radio?

Back on track, let’s look at the numbers from the Montgomery County, Maryland, ban.

“Although large, family-style chains have been relatively unhurt by the ban, smaller establishments have seen total sales decline by an average of 30 percent during the week and 50 percent on weekends, according to Melvin Thompson, vice president of the Restaurant Association of Maryland, a food service industry trade group.”(Washington Post)

30 to 50 percent. You smoke nazi fucks. 30 to 50 percent. I hope you are happy. Some poor bastard is losing 30 to 50 percent of their income so your clothes don’t stink. Good job.

“Meanwhile Julie Johnson, 24, one of his bartenders, recently moved out of her Silver Spring apartment and onto a friend’s couch. “I’m just not making enough to pay my bills,” said Johnson, who added that the law has created another indignity: chasing after customers who duck outside for a smoke and leave behind their tabs.

She said her average day’s tips used to be $70; now, she’s earning less than $20.”(Washington Post)

Question, who is going to make up the lost money to the owners of the establishments and the people who work there? You? I doubt it, you are just happy you have smoke-free clothes. Clothes that apparently you don’t have to wash anymore because there is no smokey smell. I mean, you obviously never thought of washing them before, so I certainly see no reason why you would start now.

Now, I know your incredibly teeny, tiny minds are all filled up right now from reading this, but let me throw something else at you.

Have you considered for a second what can of worms these bans might have opened up? Yeah, I didn’t think so.

Let’s just say you like Ma’s local diner. You like the greasy burgers they serve. Best in town.

Oh, shit! Grease is bad for the heart! Working there will make your clothes stink! We should encourage the government to tell Ma’s they can only use greaseless meat for their burgers. I mean, it’s only fair. We must make the decisions for people and their happiness! WE KNOW WHAT’S BEST FOR THEM! And don’t tell me it’s different, because it’s the exact same thing. Look at the pressure McDonald’s has been getting because some fat fucks decided it was McDonald’s fault for the fatties not being able to control themselves.

That’s it. I’m done. I know this is a losing battle. I’m just happy people out there deciding things that are in my best interest.

I fucking hate people.

I need a cigarette.

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Sucks to live in DC!

Freak Magnet

Oh no.

I just had a thought.

What if people move to chewing tobacco at the smokeless bars, and I’m drunk one night and accidentally pick up a spit cup, thinking it’s my drink?!?!?!

I think I’ll avoid DC altogether.


Two words:




That said, I think it would be a better idea to allow bars to have a smoking room where you can go and choke yourselves to your hearts’ content without pissing off the rest of the customers. You filthy fuckers. 😀


Can we get a movement together that bans british people from the earth?

Anyway. Great blog as always.

Miss Jodi

You have my sympathies, Stewie…*I* will be “socially unacceptable” with you 😉

Good blog, my friend…let’s go burn a butt.


I can’t decide which is stranger, that we agree completely (I’m a non-smoker) or that you quoted Fox News.


Thanks again to those who participated. This was a good deal.

And I can’t believe I quoted Fox news. It still disturbs me.

DJ, rot in hell. We have ice with our cigarettes. 🙂

Aric Blue

AR–you are so wrong on this it’s almost like you’re a smoker. Oh wait. Your best comeback on the “My clothes smell like smoke” is to say “Heard of a washing machine?” Howsabout if I piss on your leg in the same bar and tell you the same thing? Or let’s make it a perfectly fair comparison. I’ll get some of that novelty fart-smelling perfume and spray it on you while you smoke. Then when you walk out of the bar you’ll smell like shit. Your clothes. Your hair. When you do take a show later you’ll smell it coming… Read more »


AR–you are so wrong on this it’s almost like you’re a smoker. Oh wait. I never hid the fact that I’m a smoker. It’s posted in the blog. And both freakmagnet and ace are non-smokers. I won’t speak for them, but they posted on the same topic. Admittedly, I am more adament than them, but they are both interesting takes, particularly from non-smokers. Howsabout if I piss on your leg in the same bar and tell you the same thing? Or let’s make it a perfectly fair comparison. I’ll get some of that novelty fart-smelling perfume and spray it on… Read more »


I take it all back.

I can be bought. And I was.

Freak Magnet


Are you that guy that can’t keep his shirt on?