The Perfect Woman…

I’m a single guy. And generally, when one is single, he creates an image of the perfect woman. Hell, sometimes you don’t even have to be single to do that…

Anyway, my perfect woman must have…

Red hair – There is nothing finer than a gorgeous redhead. And, when I say red hair, I mean red hair. Not dyed. I want the whole red head package. Grrr baby.

No friends – Let’s face it, guys don’t like your friends. None of them. None of those nosy women telling you how I should treat you. 9 times out of 10, your friends are single, bitter and want you to go out and meet guys with them. So, they take every chance they get to tell you how wrong I am for you. Jealous, petty and childish, there is a reason why these friends are single. The ONLY exceptions to this rule is if the friend is my best friend’s girlfriend. Then, if they break up, you stop talking to her. The other exception is if my best friend is single, you must find a friend for him. Then, if they break up, you stop speaking to your friend because she’s such a bitch for leaving my buddy.

A need to smoke – I’m a smoker. I don’t plan on stopping. I don’t want to be nagged about stopping. My next girlfriend will either be a smoker or someone who doesn’t care if she dates a smoker. Who am I kidding? She’ll be a smoker.

Above average heighth – I love tall women.

Parents are either dead or live in another country – I have a hard enough time dealing with my mother. I don’t need to deal with yours.

Deaf – Okay, maybe not deaf. But none of this selective hearing bullshit, either. You either hear me or you don’t. Nothing in between.

Short-term memory – I don’t need to hear about shit I said to you in 1986. Get over it.

A sense of humor – I want you to laugh at my farts and call me a dumbass for being so crude. But don’t hold it against me.

A high self-esteem – I’ve had female friends long before I met you and I’ll probably have them long after you leave. Deal with it. Also, I do not want to hear how fat or how skinny or how unattractive you think you are. Nothing is a bigger turn-off than a woman begging for attention. Hey, I’m a fat-ass, but I never once said “Golly, I need to lose weight.” Why? Because I don’t give a shit what other people think because I am better than them.

A need to be alone, sometimes – Every Saturday and Sunday morning I go to the coffee shop for about an hour or so. That’s my time. We don’t need to be together 24/7.

Now, that said, I will make it clear that I love women. I love everything about women–particularly those without issues. There is nothing more attractive than a woman who not only knows what she wants, but she knows how to get it and she’s not afraid to speak her mind with complete and utter honesty. I just haven’t found her yet.

I gotta go now, I gotta go to Home Depot and Radio Shack for the parts I need for this robot it looks like I’m gonna have to build.