Flo Shizzle my nizzle.

Saturday night was fun times, indeed, as I went and checked out the Charm City All Stars do a double header, in matches versus the Dutchland Derby Rollers in bout one and the Rhode Island Riveters in bout two.

Yeah, baby. Roller Derby.

Up until a few months ago, I had never been to a Derby. Sure, I watched it growing up, but I had no idea there was an actual team right up the street from me until my friend, B, asked if I wanted to go to see a Roller Derby. I’m fairly certain I said “Yes!” without hesitation.

While cost wasn’t a factor, there were two price points: $10 for General Admission and $20 for V.I.P. Seating. B told me to get the V.I.P., because not only do you get seats right on the floor (all up IN the action), you get a goodie bag which usually makes up for the difference — and it most certainly did. In addition to a steller poster (pictured below, click they get bigger) and a free beer ticket in each, my first goodie bag contained a free burrito from Chipolte (which I gave to B, as there is not one convenient to me), a prety cool Charm City Roller Girls beer cubby, a spider ring (flashback, 1979!) and some coupons and stickers from local vendors. The second bag had some pens, a T-shirt (Large? WTF? Handed off to B) and a Khan action figure (Ricardo Montalban, fools!) which I gave to Crazy Todd, as he is apparently a big fan. So, yeah, the extra $10 is absolutely worth it — especially since I have since framed the posters, and are making a spot for them in the house. They are pretty bad ass.

This was the first time I had a Papst Blue Ribbon. It felt appropriate.

But as bad ass as the tchotchkes were, they have nothing on the event itself. The Derby is like…I don’t know…perfection in a stadium.

First up you have the women. They are the first and obvious reason why the Derby is awesome. Sexy numbers in hotpants, shortie shorts, spandex, I swear a bikini bottom, miniskirts, lacey pantyhose, some inked, some not, some tall, some short, some big boned, some tiny…holy shit awesome. It’s like I did up a jihad and made my way into heaven. Plus you throw in some throwdowns with names like “Flo Shizzle”, “Joy Division” and “Judy Boom” (oh how I lost man points on that one), how can you not have fun?

The concession stand smelled like hotdogs and body odor. NOT GOOD.

Now, if that weren’t enough (and, arguably, it is), they have play-by-play announcers that are funny as piss, with a golden topping of fantastic background music. I heard Motley Crue, Humpty Dumpty, Beastie Boys and many, many more that I’m obviously forgetting — next time I’m writing the tunes down and making a Roller Derby Playlist.

But wait, it gets even better. After this last Derby we went to the bar where the Roller Girls have their after party. I was pretty beat and was about to make an exit, when B said, “You don’t want to leave yet.”


“They haven’t done the dance off yet.”

“Wait…what? Dance off?”

“Yeah. The Charm City Roller Girls are going to come over and do a dance off over there on the dance floor.” She motioned to the dance floor.

I stayed.

It was worth it.

After that, I was going to roll out, as well as B, but she decided to stay as it was Crazy’s birthday. After some thought, I decided to stick, too, because as I told Dan (another friend there)…

“I can’t leave. Cause, man, if I do, one of you fools is going to call me tomorrow and say, ‘OH MY GOD! DO YOU KNOW WHAT HAPPENED AFTER YOU LEFT!'”

“EVERYONE GOT NAKED AND HAD SEX!” Dan replied. He knew.

So I stayed.

No one got naked and had sex. I’m damned if I do and I’m damned if I don’t.

Am I gushing? Absolutely. The Derby has everything I need to have a good time, elevated by the cats I went with. I don’t know when the next bout is, but I sure as hell hope to be there.

0 0 vote
Article Rating
Notify of

This site uses Akismet to reduce spam. Learn how your comment data is processed.

Inline Feedbacks
View all comments

How can you call me a redneck for watching NASCAR when you go to a roller derby?


How many hot women drive in Nascar. Oh.

Sweaty women on rollerskates going in circles and rubbing > sweaty men in cars going in circles and rubbing.

You don't have to a redneck to enjoy the sweaty women.


Next time I come down, we gotta go see this!


omg I'm so jealous. What an amazing night you had. It sounds so hot.


Dude, you'd love it, I'm sure.


You should see if there is a team up your way. Doing searches, I saw they were all across the US. HOTNESS EVERYWHERE!

Freak Magnet

There's a Chipotle in the Annapolis Mall. Near the exit between Sears and Borders.

Yes, my ass is going way back on your blog and posting on shit that's months old.

And I'm totally going to go to a roller derby.